Dear Sahaj: I dread traveling across the country for my elderly mother’s upcoming significant birthday because my mother clings onto me and sobs, which makes me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and annoyed. My mother and sister act as if they “own” me, and it is one reason I moved all the way across the country many years ago. It has been made clear to me (by my sister) that others consider me “cold.” Mostly, I am happily living my life without the drama and emotional hijacking that my mother inflicts. She is not mean, but she is clingy, and weeps even when I phone her. I have committed to traveling to celebrate her birthday, but the expectations, judgments and attempts at emotional hijacking have already started.
My mother lost her husband (my stepfather) two years ago, and she still openly mourns him as a widow, wearing black, etc. He was a mean alcoholic and emotionally abusive to me, my mother and others. I did not speak to him for many years, and I did not mourn his passing. I understand that my mother is emotionally fragile, and I don’t want to make it worse, but I honestly don’t know how I can rise above it all. I just want to be present, help celebrate and be kind, but I am worried that all of the drama will cause me to feel self-protective, and fulfill this impression that I am cold.
How can I preserve my autonomy and dignity under this scenario?
- Hijacked
Hijacked: When people are set on misunderstanding you, like your mom and sister, there isn’t much you’re able to do to change their mind. You’re left with two choices: Pretend things are fine and go with it during the visit, or find ways to protect your own wellness and potentially be perceived as cold. Pretending is no longer tenable given how affected you are by your mom and family dynamics.
I would encourage you to be radically honest with yourself about why you want to go home (and even more, why you are maintaining a certain relationship with your mom at all). This isn’t to suggest you shouldn’t be, but it may clarify if you are in the relationship purely out of obligation or if there are parts of the relationship that are salvageable. I think a professional can be a good resource to help you sift through these feelings and motivations.
You can’t control how “fragile” or “clingy” your mom is, but you can control how you engage, or disengage, with her. When you’re not visiting, you can create a routine where you talk to her once a week or once a month so she can expect it, while also giving you structure to prepare for these conversations. For the visit home, prepare for known triggers so you can have plans in place regarding how to handle them. This may look like excusing yourself to go to another room when your mom is clinging to you, or telling her, “I want to be here for you, but I’m not comfortable when you hold on to me like this.” Or even having a frank conversation with your sister (if this is realistic) about what you both may need when you’re home to support each other.
If possible, break up the time at home with other things to help distract and buffer the time with your mom, like: offering to go buy groceries alone, scheduling a work call or having another project to do. Pack a book, comfort item or a tactile project (coloring, knitting, etc.) that allows you some separation from your environment while also occupying your mind if you feel yourself spiraling with negative feelings. You can also reach out to a friend before you go home and be honest about needing additional support so you can have someone to talk to while isolated at home.
You say the “expectations, judgments and attempts at emotional hijacking have already started.” How have you responded to these? Communicate your boundaries upfront; this may sound like, “I love you Mom, and I want to be there for you, but it’s really hard for me when this is all we talk about when I visit.” Or when there’s an expectation being verbalized, you can simply say, “I know you’re disappointed, but this is all I can do right now.”
When zooming out on your relationship with your mom, think about if her emotional hijacking has worsened since your stepfather passed away. She may be turning to you to fill his role. Can you gently encourage her independence and her going out to nurture her sense of community? You may even consider telling her you’re worried about her and nudge her toward other sources of support. If this is not a newer dynamic, it may be that your mom generally can’t self-regulate. You may want to have an affirmation or mantra you can repeat to help you separate yourself and your emotions from hers. This may be, “This is not mine to carry.” Remind yourself, too, that your sister may also be projecting her own jealousy and feelings onto you when she calls you cold. This is also not yours to carry.
You can “preserve” your “dignity” by treating yourself with respect. I would argue you already have by recognizing that a physical move was necessary for you, and that you’re coming off as “cold” because showing affection and emotion with your family doesn’t feel safe. By trying to fit yourself into the version of you your mom and sister expect from you, you’re essentially crossing your own boundaries. You get to decide what you are willing to tolerate and you can practice self advocating in small ways. Consider how you can start to be more honest about what you need and how you feel.
Emotional dumpings are like guilt trips. They’re not usually about you, but they still feel manipulative and invalidating all the same. Be wary of taking on your mom’s emotions as your own. You want to allow yourself time and space to feel and name your feelings. If you’re not processing them, they are building up and that may be reinforcing a sense of resentment I hear in your letter.