Dear Annie: I’m a 50-plus married empty nester with a full-time job and three dogs. Life is still busy for us.
My mom, stepfather and younger half-brother live in another state. My father died when I was young, and my mother remarried and had my brother. At 17, I moved out and have been mostly out of sight, out of mind to my family. Although we talk on the phone and see each other on some holidays, I have always been on the outside of their circle, which I have learned to accept and don’t harbor any negative feelings about.
Recently, my mom and stepfather have separated, and I’ve since learned that they have no savings or retirement funds. My mom and brother want my stepfather to come live with me, and my mother plans on moving in with my brother.
The emotional battle that is taking place in me is almost too much. Am I supposed to say yes out of duty? He doesn’t drive, and we aren’t public transport accessible. I’m not ready to give up my job to take care of or keep someone else entertained. Am I the worst?
I feel like I am only being asked because there is literally no one else to ask. My mother and brother are inseparable, leaving my stepfather out of their circle as well. If I say no, I’ll lose all three. If I say yes, I could lose my own spouse and, possibly, my sanity. Thank you for your advice.
-- Midlife Guilt
Dear Midlife Guilt: No, you are not the worst. Your mother and brother should not be guilting you into taking on a responsibility that you aren’t equipped for. And there’s nothing selfish about protecting your marriage, your job and your well-being.
Explore some other options with your family; this might involve some creative thinking. Does your stepfather qualify for any government assistance? Are you in a place to provide some financial support? Remember that saying no to this one option doesn’t mean you don’t care.
Dear Annie: My grandson married a lovely girl who we are crazy about. She has fought a weight problem all her life. She is still heavy, though not obese. They have a 1-year-old baby and are over the moon with her.
Both of them feed this child every moment. Healthy snacks are not necessarily low calorie. I don’t know what she weighs, but I can’t pick her up. I fear they are raising this child to have the same issues as her mom, needing constant oral fixations. They feed her when she is not obviously hungry. I don’t want to start any problems, but obesity starts in childhood. What can I do without causing problems?
-- Overfeeding a Baby
Dear Overfeeding: You’re right that obesity can start in childhood, though I’m not sure I’d say it starts in infancy. The most important thing here is your great-granddaughter’s overall health and well-being, not solely her weight. Ultimately, your grandson and his wife know the ins and outs of their baby’s health better than anyone else, and I would hope they have the same goal you do, which is to make sure she is a healthy and well-taken-care-of child.
Focus on what you have some control over when you are with the baby, such as feeding her healthy snacks when it’s time to eat and getting in physical activity and playtime. Time will tell whether there is genuine reason to be concerned about the baby’s weight.