Dear Eric: When the pandemic started, I began playing online poker with friends I grew up with. We all live in different cities and used to see each other once a year in person but now we play cards and talk once a week.
One of them makes comments once in a while that could be interpreted as general disdain for non-white immigrants (we’re all white), but it’s subtle. I will usually make comments that cut him off before he continues down that road, and the subject is changed.
Last night he came out and said, “I really have a problem with all the brown people coming into the country.” The game was over by that time, and I abruptly said I’m tired, and left the call.
If someone came to me with this problem, I’d say you need to tell him clearly that his views are abhorrent. But we are in our early 60s, so I don’t know if these views are so ingrained that it’s not worthwhile to confront him.
These people have been a part of my life for almost my entire life so it would be a big deal to just cut him loose.
But I can’t pretend he didn’t say what he said and thinks what he thinks. Should I raise it with him one on one? Or should I just cut him off? I will admit that I anticipate that you will let me have it for not doing something sooner.
– No Poker Face
Dear Poker: My, the version of me in your head is doing a lot, isn’t he? The good news is that in real life, it’s not about my opinion of what you did or what he said. (Although, I will say, “brown people” is a very large group to dislike. Who makes the cut? Does he have paint swatches hung up in his house to check?)
But yes, you should say something to him one on one. You write that he’s in his 60s and set in his thinking. But you’re also in your 60s – do you think that it’s too late to change your mind or see a new perspective? I don’t think so. And I don’t think you do, either.
By saying nothing, you created a safe haven for opinions that you find abhorrent – you all did. And that looks like tacit agreement. The phrase “calling in” comes to mind. Calling someone in is an invitation to discussion and repair. It’s a way of saying “what you did or said goes against our community’s values or my values. It concerns me that you hold this opinion. Would you be open to talking it through?”
He may not change. But your goal should be to make it clear how you can be in a relationship going forward. If he wants to be your friend, he has to bring something else to the poker table.
Dear Eric: My mom died a couple years ago and my dad is still living. He has dementia and lives in a nursing home. I live in another state. Shortly before my mother’s death she told my sibling she could move into their house. My mom was also in a nursing home at the time. My sister has lived in the home since then. Shouldn’t she be paying at least some monthly rent into the estate? I feel that my brother and I are being taken advantage of. There was nothing in writing and my parents never gave her ownership.
– Living Free
Dear Living Free: A lot of this sits in the legal domain – I’m curious about whether you or your brother have power of attorney over your father’s affairs, whether he’s now the sole owner of the house, whether there’s a will in place, et cetera. So, it might be useful to consult an attorney who is knowledgeable in this area and dive into the specifics.
But, for our purposes, this is a relationship issue. Your mother was free to do with the house what she wanted, and she chose to invite your sister to live in the house. Do you feel that you’re owed money now or at some future point? Do you feel that the house is being devalued by her presence? Do you want to sell it now and take the profits? I’m asking these questions because I’m not quite sure where the injustice is hitting you.
Think about what you want and what would feel fair, and then have a conversation with your sister. But make sure you know why you’re asking for what you’re asking for. Oftentimes, grief shows up in unexpected ways. This is particularly likely around property and inheritance. What’s going to make you feel better without causing a fracture in your relationship with your sister? That’s the best path forward.