Dear Wayne and Wanda,
Never thought I’d write for advice because my girlfriend and I both know we’re in it forever, marriage, family, the whole thing. But it’s politics of all things and I am completely at a loss. We moved here together after college, have good jobs, and really love our Alaska life. We follow local and state politics and even talk about our leadership’s decisions, actions and inaction. And we take voting seriously but don’t care for the whole political production … until a couple weeks ago.
We were loading groceries into the car when a guy pulled up in a truck with a tailgate covered in bumper stickers. A few of them had some pretty strong language — literal curse words — attacking one candidate and defending another that we don’t support. She looked at the driver as he was getting out and asked him pretty loudly if he wanted kids to see that kind of message. He laughed, turned his back and started walking to the store and she lost it. She asked how he could support someone who would take away health care rights for women and tear this state apart. He just kept walking, which I was fine with because I didn’t want it to escalate.
But my girlfriend couldn’t let it go. She cried all the way home, completely overwhelmed. I’ve never seen her this passionate about politics before. By the time we got home, she was talking about donating and volunteering, and since then, she’s been obsessed with the news, X and social media, and even arguing with people about the election and candidates in comments. It’s consumed her.
I personally vote for the person and the issue, wait for the election cycle to end, and move on with life. She used to be that way, too. But now she’s disappointed in my lack of enthusiasm and frustrated that I’m not engaging with her on that level. It feels like I’m constantly trying to manage her stress, too, and I’m not sure how to deal with this until Election Day without losing my mind ... or her losing her mind!
Do you have any advice on how I can help keep her calm, but also keep myself out of it? I don’t want to get dragged into political arguments or engagement for that matter, but I also don’t want to make her feel unsupported.
Wanda says:
I had an interesting conversation recently with my mother about political action. She lives in the Lower 48 and had recently put up both a giant yard sign and also a big banner on her deck facing one of her small town’s bigger roads, both advertising her presidential candidates of choice. She also was sporting a new trucker hat and had at least two T-shirts (there could be more!).
I verbally wondered, more so out of curiosity, why people bother with lawn signs and such: Does it change anyone’s opinion? Mom said for her, it was more about what is currently within the realm of possibility for her in terms of political expression. She had knee surgery recently so she can’t knock on doors. She has massive hearing loss so she can’t make phone calls. But she can hang up signs and wear T-shirts. She also requested postcards to write on behalf of her candidates of choice.
Perhaps you could introduce some of these concepts to your girlfriend. There are ways to engage in politics that actually can produce action and visibility and connection, and then there are ways that are draining and pointless. What are her advocacy superpowers, and where could she be channeling her energy that perhaps creates more results and less anxiety and negativity? She has a lot of passion: If she channels it in the right way, she could have a really positive impact in terms of leading with her beliefs and values.
Wayne says:
Good thing you’re indifferent about politics, my friend, because you wouldn’t last long in that world. First flaw: You’re honest. Second: You’re sensible. Third: You can’t handle conflict. And finally: You say the quiet parts out loud. Asking how to keep a girlfriend calm? That’s a surefire way to begin relationship impeachment hearings.
I’ll give you a pass because, again, you’re honest, sensible, and seemingly coming from a place of love. But you won’t get a pass from your girlfriend because, like most hot-button relationship topics (family, finances, etc.), this situation will only intensify if you avoid communicating about it.
So, be that honest, sensible guy and talk with her. Hopefully, you can both agree that you can engage in different levels of civic activity but ultimately, what’s most important is that you don’t lose connection with your base — you put your partnership first, and you support one another.
If she wants to channel some healthy energy into politics (see Wanda’s excellent advice), you’ll make her coffee to sip during her early morning sign-waving at a busy intersection, or give her an evening off of dating excursions to make phone calls. The expectation is that she extends the same understanding and support, and downshifts her overactive activism during your time together.
[Dear Annie: My family is being torn apart by polarizing politics in our group texts]
[How do I get my friend to stop talking about politics?]
[Wayne and Wanda: I lied about my age to meet more mature guys, and my boyfriend doesn’t know]