Dear Annie: I have had a few health issues recently. During tests, my doctor incidentally found a mass on my spleen. I asked my husband not to tell anyone, except our kids who are 24 and 33.
I found out he told the neighbor down the street. I am upset. I haven’t said anything yet to the rest of my family or friends. He argued (yes, argued) that I didn’t say that and that I had said not to tell the family. I explained to him that he betrayed my trust. It was my story to tell when I was ready. He became belligerent and argued with me some more. I was still keeping my composure and said, “Even if I said I don’t want you saying anything to our families about it, wouldn’t it be implied that I certainly didn’t want my neighbors knowing?”
At this point, we are in a big argument. I told him I was going to remove him from my next of kin and anything else that would allow him to know my business since he has some issues with keeping my business out of his mouth (and I did, by the way). He told me I was the untrustworthy one. Again, still trying to have an adult conversation, I asked him to give me examples. He couldn’t and was deflecting.
We’ve had similar issues in the past where I think, “Gee, we are having an adult conversation -- a give-and-take, compromising, coming-to-an-agreement conversation” -- only to find out I was the only one present in the adult conversation and he’s gone against everything we agreed to. I am married to a man-child. He literally argues, “I know you are, but what am I?”
As of now, I have decided to keep my health issues to myself. Apparently, I am in this by myself, and his intentions are to seek sympathy for himself (I have suspected for some time he has narcissistic tendencies). I have so much going on, on top of everyday life. I just don’t have it in me to include him anymore. I get that he may have been frustrated and needed to vent. I offered to ask my doctor for a support group he could attend if he needed to vent. We are not speaking, and I am OK with that. It’s less to deal with. I think for the time being, I need to take care of myself and just let the chips fall where they may with him. Any advice?
-- Husband Has a Big Mouth
Dear Big Mouth: Your frustration with your husband is completely valid. Patterns of behavior like his -- being careless with information, argumentative and immature -- are exhausting and unacceptable.
Your decision to protect your peace and maintain your boundaries was the right one. But you two clearly need to put some serious work into your marriage if anything is to improve (after all, what does it say about your relationship that you can’t lean on your own husband while you’re battling health issues?). Couples therapy should be your next stop, both to work through this incident and to tackle the underlying issue of feeling like you can’t trust your husband.