Dear Eric: My youngest daughter, a pediatrician, got a divorce two years ago (her husband had been taking money from her practice and not telling her). Her mother and I divorced 40 years ago and are on good terms. For whatever reason, my present wife and I almost never saw her or her kids. There was no falling out or other reason for her not to have anything to do with us, including Christmas, the kids’ birthdays or special events they might be in.
During the divorce, she got into financial problems, and we supported her to the tune of more than $50,000. She told us things were going to change and she would start having more to do with us. It has been 10 months, and we have heard nothing from her as far as paying back the money or anything else. So, I am not sure where to go with this as that money was a significant part of our retirement. Her mother is not in a position to help her.
– Loan Danger
Dear Loan: I hope that you and your daughter drew up a loan agreement or other kind of document that set out the terms of the loan and the desired schedule for repayment – or even just the understanding that this is a loan and not a gift. Documents of this sort can be awkward with family, but with the amount of money you’re talking about, it’s better to feel briefly awkward than to end up resentful because of dire financial straits.
Even if you don’t have anything on paper, it’s time to have two separate conversations about your relationship and expectations. Money first. Ask her what her plan is for paying the money back. Explain how it impacts you and get a realistic schedule from her. If she’s still not financially secure enough to make even small payments, you need to know that so that you can plan accordingly.
Then, have a relationship talk. Ask her if her promise to change was genuine or, if not, what her reasons for being estranged from you are. I’m not very comfortable with the idea of your daughter having nothing to do with you (for years?) but gladly taking $50,000. She doesn’t owe you a relationship because of the loan. But something is off here, and you owe it to yourself to find out what it is.
Dear Eric: I’d like to offer my take on Love Language’s wife thinking his wild attraction to her is creepy and demeaning. I haven’t been married as many years, but I am living this. I am in menopause, which I am certain is the same issue she has. I have almost completely lost my sex drive. I just plain am not interested in it. I love my husband with my whole heart. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t imagine life without him, but I just don’t care about sex anymore. I’m not attracted to anyone else either.
He knows I’m going through something. He just patiently waits until I initiate things. Sad but true. It may sound messed up but we both love each other deeply and are just wading through getting older together.
– Not Interested
Dear Not Interested: Thank you so much for bringing up menopause. Too many men overlook it or are undereducated about it. I hope the letter writer will do some research and ask the right questions. Dr. Jen Gunter’s “The Menopause Manifesto” comes highly recommended. And Ruth Devlin’s “Men… Let’s Talk Menopause” is a great resource.
Dear Eric: I wanted to thank you for your response to my letter – Obligatory Guest. You are correct in your assessment that they probably find me a little annoying and appreciated “hearing” it from someone outside of things. The brides did indeed find a strange (and cruel) way of showing it. As a follow-up, I’d like to share that one of the brides seems to have realized the damage that they did. She has since attempted to repair the relationship with me and with another person in the group whom she treated similarly. I am very happy to see that she realized how cruel she was, and I’m happy to give her another chance.
You were also astute to point out that groups of friends have auras that keep us from clearly assessing individual relationships within the group. It is also worthy of note that groups change and morph as members of the “original friend group” bring new partners into the mix that may change the dynamics.
– Obligatory Guest No More
Dear Guest: Thank you for the update! I appreciate it! You’re being very generous to your friend. I hope they earn that generosity. You deserve good friends!