Dear Annie: I’m struggling with a painful situation involving my sister. About a year ago, she abruptly stopped speaking to me, and there was no discussion or clear explanation about why this happened. Since then, she has kept her distance not just from me but also from our entire family. She’s excluded us from all major family gatherings, including Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays.
This past year has been especially difficult because I was undergoing cancer treatments. Throughout that time, she never reached out -- not even once. Despite living just a short drive away, she didn’t call, visit or offer any support. Her silence has been incredibly hurtful, particularly because I have no idea what triggered this rift between us.
When mutual friends or family members ask her what’s going on, she insists that she isn’t angry or upset with anyone. This response only adds to my confusion and pain, as her actions suggest otherwise.
Now my daughter is getting married in about a year, and we’re starting to plan engagement parties and bridal showers. Given the current state of our relationship, I’m deeply conflicted about whether I should invite her to these significant events. Part of me feels I should reach out and try to include her, but another part wonders if it’s better to respect the distance she seems to want.
I’m torn. Should I make an effort to bridge this gap by inviting her to the wedding festivities, or would it be more appropriate to leave her out since she has chosen to exclude herself from our lives?
-- Upset Sister
Dear Upset: It sounds like your sister is going through something difficult. Assuming there hasn’t been a major conflict between your family and her, her abrupt decision to distance herself raises some concerns. There are a few possibilities that might help explain her behavior.
One possibility is that your sister may be in an abusive relationship where her partner is manipulating her and trying to isolate her from her family. This is a common tactic in abusive relationships, where the partner convinces her that her family is harmful or untrustworthy, making her feel that she can only rely on them.
Another possibility is that she’s struggling with her mental health. It could be depression, or maybe she felt overwhelmed by the emotions surrounding your cancer treatments and didn’t know how to cope. When faced with trauma or intense emotions, people often respond by either fleeing, fighting or freezing -- and it sounds like she may have chosen to withdraw from the situation.
While this doesn’t excuse her behavior, it may help to understand that she might be dealing with her own battles. Keep reaching out to her with kindness and patience. Let her know that you care and that you’re there for her if and when she’s ready to reconnect. And definitely invite her to the wedding.