Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m 24, and I am completely sick of trying to date guys my own age. All they want to do is hook up. No one goes on real dates anymore — it’s all last-minute meet-ups or late-night booty calls. No one makes an effort to actually get to know you with the goal of working toward an actual commitment. Even the guys who say they want something serious are just saying that to meet up and then they disappear. In all, dating has been very frustrating, and it doesn’t help that Anchorage is so small, it seems like I’m seeing the same profiles every time I look online.
I genuinely want a real partner, a mature relationship, no more hook-ups and hangouts. So a few months ago … I changed my profile to say I am 34. Yes, a decade older. And I changed the range of guys I was looking for too and aged them up — I was just sick of these young dudes playing around!
Lo and behold it worked, and I met “Ben.” Ben, from the get-go, was exactly what I wanted. He is mature, grounded, and looking for actual love. He has his own house, and a great job, and he actually takes me on real dates! A few weeks in, we had the “monogamous” talk and were exclusive. Ben is 42. Ben thinks I’m 34.
At first, I guess I hoped this wouldn’t be an issue. The longer we’re together and the longer I hide this from him, I feel like it could undermine our relationship. It’s been three months since our first date and I feel like if I don’t come clean soon, I’ll lose him because he’ll think I’m too young for him. I also don’t like hiding this. But I think he’s already sensitive about our age gap — he makes comments about me being “so young” all the time. Ugh. What should I do?
Wanda says:
Let me get this straight: Your older boyfriend who is 42 thinks you’re eight years younger at age 34, but you’re actually 24 and 18 years younger, and you got into this predicament because you were tired of duplicitous people who weren’t straightforward? The math isn’t mathing, girl! Unfortunately, your exit strategy from the youthful whirlpool of hook-ups and hangouts was to lie. That’s what got you into this mess, and there’s no way around it.
You know, you could have just increased the age of the partner you were seeking without upwardly adjusting your own. We all know there are plenty of weird fish in the online dating sea who are nipping at bait well out of their ecosystem. That said, you did lie, and here we are. Poor Ben — who sounds nice and sincere and genuinely into you — has no idea that his younger woman is much, much younger.
Bottom line, if you really care about Ben, you need to tell him. Otherwise, you’re no better than the dudes you’re shaming for being dishonest about their motives. Because Ben will find out eventually, whether that’s from a friend’s offhand remark, or a run-in with mutual acquaintances who inadvertently drop a revealing comment, or to your own tells that you’re nearly 20 years younger than him. That’s no small age gap! Ben may be able to move past it; he may not. Either way, Ben deserves to know the truth.
Wayne says:
For someone in their mid-30s, you sure make a lot of 20-something decisions. You don’t think he won’t notice that you get carded every time you order a drink? Or that he won’t want to get a glance at your passport pic when you two book an adults-only cruise? Or that your act won’t be exposed when he asks you to hand him the Bell Biv DeVoe cassette while he’s driving you around town in his old Mustang and you have no idea what he’s talking about?
One of the really cool things about growing old is that you have the opportunity to look back on your life and gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of who you really are — the good and the bad, the awesome and the awkward, your likes and dislikes, your red flags, hot spots, sticking points and deal-breakers. It seems like you’re mature beyond your years in knowing what you want from a partner, but you’re acting your age or younger just about everywhere else. It’s a shame that you finally found exactly what you were looking for, but everything about your role in the relationship is built on lies.
You know, there are older men out there who dig younger women and would proudly strut around town with their lady by their side, telling themselves that they’ve still got it. Who knows: Maybe Ben is one of those guys. Or maybe he’s just mature enough to accept people for who they are and what they’re all about, not how old they are. Unfortunately, you’ll never know because once you tell him the truth — which you should do like yesterday — he’ll only see you as a creepy catfish kid who played games with his heart, let a ridiculous routine play out way too long, and ultimately wasted his time and fried a potentially great relationship. The adult thing to do is own up to it and learn from this mistake.
[My friends can’t seem to accept that I’m happily dating a younger man]
[Wayne and Wanda: How honest is too honest in a budding romance?]