Dear Annie: I enjoy your column, and I appreciate your perspective. I have a family member whom I have loved dearly and shared family tragedies with.
Over the years, he has become a severe alcoholic. I have had to create boundaries, namely not answering rambling phone conversations. I respond to long voice messages with texts. I express my love and give encouragement, but I do not want to be stuck on the phone; it goes nowhere and is forgotten.
He doesn’t live nearby, and we have not visited each other often. The last visit was five years ago; he came to our home, and because he needed a drink at breakfast, he left early.
I have recently found out he is very ill with cancer. I am torn about opening up a phone dialogue that might return to the past patterns of many drunken calls. I have loving memories of our younger years and our closeness, and how we got through tough times in those days. I know I am letting them down. I plan to write a letter, but I feel guilty keeping my boundary regarding phone conversations. Any thoughts or suggestions? I do not want any regrets.
-- No Regrets
Dear No Regrets: Unfortunately, addiction can turn our loved ones into people we don’t recognize. Remember that the boundary you set was not an abandonment. Quite the opposite -- it is what allowed you to keep this family member in your life for good, by protecting you from the sick, destructive version of him.
Definitely write a letter, and make it a good one. Share all of the loving memories you allude to in your letter to me. And tell him to give you a call -- so long as he is sober.
Dear Annie: I have a friend I’ve known for over 20 years. As young marrieds, we lived around the corner from each other when our kids were growing up. Life put us in different states, but we continued to stay in touch by phone. However, I’ve noticed that when I call her, she continuously talks and talks about EVERYTHING -- why her husband painted their garage floor this color instead of that color, every detail of her sons’ lives, conversations her grandkids have with others, etc.
It goes on and on for over two hours. After a while, my hand falls asleep. I don’t get a word in edgewise. I must admit, when I see her phone number pop up on my caller ID, I hesitate to answer because I know I will have to hear every detail of whatever is going on in her life. What should I do?
-- Chatty Friend
Dear Chatty: Sounds like she’s lonely, or maybe she sees you as a good person to vent to. Whatever the reason, learn to take control of the conversation. Give her a call with a conversation topic already in mind and say, “I really wanted to talk to you about X.” See where it goes. If she diverts to the same old self-indulgent small talk, you might have to be more assertive -- or less available.