DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, I have been in a prestigious club that helps children. In that time, I have been ridiculed about almost anything I do. I am talked about because my clothes, hair, eyebrows, etc., are a bit nicer than the other women’s. The men usually just sit and listen, but now some of them are joining in.
I was on the electoral board for a time, and found out that many things this group does are wrong. When I found out they were also cooking the books, I got off the board. I do not want to get involved with the IRS.
Once, a club member followed me into a restaurant where I was eating and made a pass at me. I refused and he retaliated, trying to get me in trouble with the board members.
My common sense tells me to leave this group, but my heart tells me to stay and help because I enjoy volunteering to help others. My plan now is to stay with the international group but move my name off this local club’s roster. Any advice?
GENTLE READER: What, exactly, is prestigious about this collection of louts, harassers and embezzlers?
Please assure Miss Manners that they in no way interact with the children they purport to help.
Sorry, but she does not buy your excuse for not quitting. If you don’t want to expose these prestigious folks, you could just look around for an honest charity. There is no shortage of children who could use help.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a polite way to let adult guests know your dinner table rules?
We have a no-phones rule at the dinner table, which I tell children when they visit. But at a recent dinner, an adult guest scrolled on her phone as soon as she finished cutting her meat and had two hands free. This continued through dessert and coffee, to the dismay of the other guests and myself.
Is it best to ignore this behavior?
GENTLE READER: We know that you cannot correct your guests’ manners, right? So -- how do we do this?
Miss Manners would consider the damage already done, and merely remove this guest from your list. If you suspect others may behave this way, you could make a lighthearted announcement that you are collecting telephones in a basket.
Perhaps you could have salvaged some of that particular meal, saying gently, “I hope the children don’t see you. They know I have a rule against phones at the table.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an observant and visual person. Occasionally I’ll see a stranger wearing a beautiful outfit or someone with gorgeous hair. I’ll say something like, “What a beautiful dress” or, “What lovely hair.”
No one has been offended. Is this inappropriate? Should I refrain?
GENTLE READER: You should watch out. Perhaps you brighten others’ days -- or perhaps you frighten them.
It is dangerous; people like to be admired, but we do not like to have strangers sizing us up.
The key is to avoid seeming as if you expect any compliments in return. So: Say nothing the least bit flirtatious. In fact, you should not be addressing anyone with whom you might plausibly seek romance. And absolutely no commenting on bodies.
Miss Manners’ best advice is to drop your compliment and keep moving.