Q: I am a biracial woman in my mid-30s, and I am in an amazing relationship with a new man, who is White. We have been dating for close to a year. I would like our life together to continue to grow.
Our problems are like those of any other young couple who has dealt with family dysfunction, but I am now struggling with his family, particularly their use of racial slurs. They never say them when people of color are around, but in the safety of their home or when playing games online, the slurs come out without any hesitation.
I have reached the point where I do not want to engage with them. I decline game nights and visits because of how disgusted I am with their use of such language and how it makes me feel. I want to continue a relationship with him, but I am struggling with navigating his family, my place and using my voice productively.
- Struggling
A: Of course you’re struggling when your values (racial slurs are wrong) are at odds with your actions (not speaking up about this). But I am struck by the fact that you are writing to me with this pull to say something, specifically as the biracial partner. Where’s your boyfriend in all of this? Your race shouldn’t put the onus on you to speak up, even if it makes this issue more sensitive and damaging for you. Why do you have to use your voice productively?
Your boyfriend should be playing an active role in having these conversations with his family - both to support you and because, I’d assume, he shares your values and beliefs. Allyship at its best is proactive - and at the very least it should be reactive. If he hasn’t or won’t speak up, I urge you to consider if there are deeper issues in the relationship than just your boyfriend’s family.
Even if the family’s use of slurs or your boyfriend’s silence about it isn’t a dealbreaker for you, you should still explore what this means for your relationship moving forward. I have more questions than answers to help you reflect deeper on what’s at stake here and what you are okay with. How often will these family members be a part of your life? Do you live in proximity? As your relationship progresses, what will that mean for his family’s role in his life, and by default your life, if you stay together long term? I imagine these are the same people who would be at your potential future wedding, or you’d spend holidays with, or would be around your future mixed-race kids. It’s easier to separate these relationships for now, but is that sustainable longer term for both of you?
In the short term, you can combat the dissonance you feel and speak up in a way that feels right and “productive” to you. It’s possible they’ve noticed you’re not coming around anymore, and if they ask you or your boyfriend about it, you may say something like, “I’m not comfortable coming over because I’ve heard the use of racial slurs.” You may even decide to add, “It makes me wonder how welcome and accepted I am as a biracial person.” It’s also possible you’re one of few non-White people they engage with and you can try to connect with them by talking about your experiences as a biracial person to humanize the experience and plant seeds for why their word choices are wrong and damaging. There is no predicting how his family will react to any of this. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything but rather manage your expectations. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend’s family has had to interrogate their behavior or words before.
By choosing to say something now - either to your boyfriend about how he can be an active ally in this or to his family about their inexcusable behavior - you can gain more information on what you’re up against. Then you can figure out if you’re willing and able to endure it. Good luck.