Dear Wanda and Wayne,
I’m feeling pretty lost and could really use some advice on my friendship that’s starting to break my heart.
I moved to Alaska about five years ago for a job, and I’ve made a quiet little life that’s been really good for me. I’m not into the dating scene here, so it’s mostly just me, my cat, and my cooking and reading. Shortly after I moved, I connected with a friend through our college alumni group on FB. We were quick friends, practically the same age, same kind of sarcastic humor and settled lives, and we both came here from out of state, so neither of us really had any other friends. For a while, we were each other’s go-to for everything — dinner, drinks, an occasional concert. When COVID hit, we got even closer. We spent so much time together because we were both single and it was comforting really to have a good human being to spend time with, cooking (she bakes), watching movies and talking and drinking wine.
After life went back to “normal,” things between us haven’t been the same. We text every day, occasionally talk on the phone or FaceTime, but rarely actually see each other. I try making plans but she either won’t commit or, when she does, she backs out last minute. Now we maybe see each other once every couple months. What really stings is seeing her send me pictures or post them on social media of a plate of food, a glass of wine and a book from a restaurant or even a bar — alone. Like, she’s clearly going out, just not with me. It honestly breaks my heart. I miss her, and I can’t understand why she’s fine going out by herself but not with me.
I don’t want to pressure her because I’m scared that’ll just push her further away, but I’m also frustrated and hurt. We were and still are close, I guess, and I feel like she’s just not engaging in actually being a friend and investing time. I don’t know how to bring it up without making things awkward or worse, but I can’t shake this feeling of being shut out.
How do I tell her I miss her without making her feel like I’m cornering her? I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but this is eating away at me. TIA for any advice.
Wayne says:
Aww — your broken heart breaks my heart a little, and your frustrating friend frustrates me, too. The COVID era did crazy things to us all, so I can’t pin down her hangups, but I can tell you not to take it personally: She isn’t ducking out on you or posting her wine-and-book night photos to hurt you. She’s just doing what works for her right now. I suggest you start doing the same.
You told us about a pretty fulfilling life — your cat, your cooking, your job, your quaint Alaska routine. This is what’s made you happy before and since she came along. Stay busy in it and don’t spiral out worrying about receiving someone else’s time and attention.
Of course, things might not be as bad as you imagine. She still texts and talks with you, so she clearly still values your friendship. Again, this likely isn’t about you. I’m betting she doesn’t even realize the isolation and distance she’s creating is hurting you so much.
Take this as an opportunity to work on relationship communication and tough talks — this will serve you well in romantic relationships, too. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with a close friend or partner. If you want to know what’s going on, be straight with her and hopefully she’ll be straight with you. Maybe she’ll suddenly appreciate that she needs to do better than just texting to maintain this friendship. At the very least, you’re able to get it off your chest, receive some clarity on where her head’s at (even if that means it isn’t into this friendship as much as it was), and how you should adjust your expectations moving forward.
Wanda says:
I advise you take a step back and re-read your own words that you shared with us; do so with an ear for your level of intensity. You talk about this friend “breaking your heart,” and her distance “eating away” at you, and you describe a COVID-era friendship that sounds pretty consuming.
To be fair, a lot of us engaged in excessive behavior during those crazy pandemic days and leaned in on the comfort of consuming to get by — whether it was food, booze or Netflix. In your case, it was friendship. The nearness of your COVID buddy got you through.
Then COVID craziness lifted, and we collectively emerged and rediscovered normalcy. Your friend hasn’t totally abandoned you; she has simply returned to her more regular pre-pandemic habits. Turns out she likes solo outings with a book — something she couldn’t do when restaurants and bars were shut down. And there’s this: You can’t really politely read a book when you’re at dinner and drinks with a friend. So this isn’t about you, or your friendship, but about your friend returning to and engaging in activities that make her happy that weren’t an option when the world was shut down.
So cut your friend some slack, be grateful for your occasional outings, and push yourself to feel included versus rejected when she thinks to text you photos of her outings. Meanwhile, you said you aren’t really into the dating scene, but consider giving it a shot. You’re craving a level of companionship that is more on par with a romantic relationship, and not necessarily a realistic expectation for a balanced friendship. Good luck!
[Asking Eric: How do I spend less time with my friend without destroying the friendship?]
[Wayne and Wanda: I love my friends, but weekends out with them are keeping me in debt]
[Asking Eric: How do I extricate myself from a 50-year friendship?]