Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married 12 years and have known each other for 17. Both of our previous spouses passed, before we met each other. He has two daughters and a son. His son and one daughter make me feel welcome. His other daughter, from the time I met her, has never accepted me, said my name, or spoken to me directly.
I am very supportive of his children and grandchildren – I go to their sports events, plays, graduations. His daughter has never even included me in family pictures.
I tried talking to her about the situation. Her father was there with us. She denied she was snubbing me and lied several times, including about not inviting me to her father’s milestone birthday. When she couldn’t lie anymore, she ran out of the house.
I can’t figure this out. Help me solve this mystery?
– Ignored Stepmother
Dear Stepmother: This isn’t your doing, indeed, it sounds like you’ve done everything you can to build a bridge. But, unfortunately, it may not be within your power to solve the problem here. Your husband’s daughter is likely still grieving the loss of her mother. While we can’t control how our grief shows up or how long it lasts, it’s neither fair nor healthy for her to take it out on you. This indicates that she’s got an emotional block she can’t get over and for which she should seek treatment. Short of reaching inside her soul and plucking it out, there’s little you can do right now.
However, your husband can and should talk to her one-on-one about her feelings. He’ll, hopefully, be able to provide a listening ear and some guidance as someone also intimately acquainted with this grief.
He should also make it clear to his daughter what his boundaries are around acting out. She can’t keep treating you this way. You and your husband have been married for 12 years! This behavior is unkind to you and to him. You and your stepdaughter may never be pals, but her inability to be civil is not just an issue between you and her – it’s a family problem.
Dear Eric: I want to get rid of my junior and senior high school yearbooks. They take up space, I have not looked at them in at least 20 years, and I’m not planning on looking at them. The people are not in my life and I have the memories. I was thinking I could cut out pages with my photograph before disposing of the books. My husband does not approve of this plan (either cutting the books or getting rid of them), insisting I should keep them. He doesn’t think they take up that much space and the kids can get rid of them when I’m gone.
He argues I’ve kept them this long, what’s a little longer? We obviously differ on the significance of these books and I’m concerned when I try to eliminate other mementos or sentimental objects, he will make a fuss. Suggestions?
– Moving On
Dear Moving: Unless you and your husband were prom king and queen, voted most likely to succeed, and co-editors-in-chief of the yearbook, I don’t see what concern this is of his. Actually, even if all that were true, he’d have his own yearbooks to lovingly let molder in the attic and shouldn’t get in the way of what you want to do.
His sentimentality may be clouding his judgment. This surely can’t just be about yearbooks. You can, if you’d like, assure him that you’ll check in before trashing things that are shared property or more meaningful. But you don’t owe him extended discussion about this.
Closure is healthy. You got what you needed from these books and you’re ready to release them. Don’t let him clutter up that process for you.
Dear Eric: I’ve lived the scenario described in the letter from Hopeful Grandma. When I was in my 20s, I also separated from my mother because she was so judgmental about my choices. After counseling, I apologized for my wrongs, and we saw a counselor together for a few sessions. I was able to forgive her for not being the mother I needed, and in the end, was the one of her five children who stepped up to care for her as dementia robbed her of her last decade of life.
When parents tell me they are estranged from a 20-something child, I tell them that the rift has as much to do with the child figuring out who they are as with the parent-child relationship. This especially seems to happen with high-achieving and under-achieving children and parents.
– Been There
Dear Been There: I’m glad you and your mother were able to reconcile. Sometimes growing pains can hurt the whole family.