DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young woman who was brought up by my parents to bring or send a gift to my host when I have been invited for a meal or a visit.
I am in the fortunate and enviable position of having several generous elder relatives and family friends who have opened their homes to me, and not just for an evening of dinner and conversation -- think a week at an urban pied-a-terre, or a weekend at a luxurious lake cottage.
I try to be a considerate guest, cleaning up after myself and always sending a handwritten thank-you note. However, I find myself frequently flummoxed by the question of a hostess gift in these situations.
I know it’s the thought that counts, but my hosts are wealthier than I am by several orders of magnitude. I want to offer them a token of my gratitude for their hospitality, but I often feel embarrassed by the limits of my budget.
Perishables such as flowers or homemade baked goods are tricky because my hosts are often letting me use the property when they aren’t present. In the past, in addition to the aforementioned thank-you note, I’ve sent gifts such as hand towels, a small piece of art that’s in their style, a bottle of wine, a Christmas ornament, etc.
Such gifts feel meager, especially considering I’m not in a position to reciprocate. What is the correct etiquette for overnight or multi-day visits?
GENTLE READER: Kind people who are in the position of making such offers are not in it for the thank-you gifts. As these are relatives or family friends, they are already aware of your limited finances.
A gracious letter, paired with a token present that shows you pay attention to their style, is perfect. Other than that, Miss Manners will just add this request: that if one day you are in a position to offer a young person similar luxuries, you will do so -- without the expectation of anything but expressions of genuine gratitude.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live near a university, and graduate students are always looking for odd jobs to make extra money. One of them does my laundry twice a week, and always returns it beautifully folded.
This week there was a surprise: a clean pair of red underwear with a reinforced, O-shaped opening in the crotch. It was quite well-made, and could represent a bit of an investment on a student budget.
I’m no prude, and celebrate whatever sexuality may be expressed by this particular garment. My instinct is to return the item in a little bag with a note saying it isn’t mine. But somehow that feels rude, presumptuous and a bit intrusive.
Is there a better way to handle this? I, too, was young once.
GENTLE READER: Who says that it belongs to the student? You may not be their only customer.
Miss Manners suggests that you indeed return the garment with the note saying it is not yours. Adamant assurances of your open-mindedness need not accompany it.