Q: I am the eldest daughter of my single East Indian mother who raised me and my two brothers. My brother V passed away in 2022. While I have worked hard to heal from a complex childhood, the grief of losing V has been overwhelming. Holidays and special occasions are particularly difficult. When I try to celebrate V in small ways, it often brings more sadness, so I stopped.
I want to talk to my family about honoring my brother together, as we had planned, but I’m not sure how to approach it. I’ve always felt somewhat out of place with them and have spent 45 years trying to connect, often without reciprocation. This lack of communication and action is hurtful, and I’m struggling with self-care. I know they are grieving, too. I feel sad, lost, and confused.
Do you have any suggestions on why this might be, and how I can express my feelings to them without causing more pain?
- Grieving
A: I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a sibling can change the family dynamic, and I wonder if V played a certain role in your family, and for you specifically, adding to your grief.
Maybe he was the one confidant you had in your family during your “complex childhood,” or the one who added humor to family gatherings, or the one who had the closest relationship with your mom. This change in your family dynamic could be compounding the grief as you lost not only a sibling, but a specific characteristic and quality he brought to your family. It could also be contributing to the differences in the ways you and your mom and brother are grieving his death.
Your family may share a loss but you don’t necessarily share in how you experience the grief. Your mom is grieving her child, which is a different experience altogether from grieving a sibling. Even more, you may want to talk about your grief and honor it, while your family members are more reserved or choose to distract from it. Instead of focusing on how they aren’t grieving, be mindful of how they are dealing with this loss in their own way. You can even ask them how their grief manifests in their day-to-day life to understand it more. This may sound like, “It helps me to talk about V when I miss him. What helps you in those moments when you feel overcome with grief?”
Since a plan to honor V was discussed at some point, you should bring it up again to gauge where your family is on doing something together. This may sound like, “We had discussed [name the plan explicitly], and it’s something I still want to do. Would you want to participate in that?” You may even name your hesitation by starting with something like, “I don’t want to make things harder for you …” You can try to talk about it again, but it doesn’t mean you will get the answers or the depth of conversation and connection you are seeking. If your mom and brother have never been good communicators, I gently challenge you to consider: Why would they be now?
Part of self-care is knowing when to stop asking more from others because they are showing you they can’t give more. It doesn’t change how disappointing and lonely it feels, but rather extricates you from this cycle of constantly wanting more and not getting your needs met. It means that while you can communicate your plans for honoring V and invite your family to join, you have also liberated yourself from the expectation that they will.
With that said, don’t deny yourself what you need for your grief process just because your family doesn’t understand or provide it. You sound lonely in your grief. Are there other people who knew your brother who you can turn to in the moments when you want to talk about him, celebrate his life or memorialize his legacy? There’s no right way to honor V, and there’s no rule book that says it has to be during holidays or special occasions. Maybe those days are about doing something new, or simply learning to get by. Instead, what if you chose random days of the year that were about remembering him? Maybe there are concrete ways to honor your brother’s death, like donating to a cause important to him, planting a tree in his honor in the backyard, or doing an activity he loved. Maybe it’s wearing something every day to honor him.
At the same time, consider doing new things with your family that can allow you to spend quality time together that isn’t automatically linked to your brother. This can help you in your grief, even if it’s different from what you may have wanted from them.
Working with a therapist or finding a local support group can also be an integral part of your grief journey. When I work with clients who are dealing with the death of a loved one, I often remind them that living with grief requires swinging between addressing the loss you feel and establishing a new normal in life. In short, you want to find ways to honor V while also re-engaging with your life in the present. Doing one more than the other may lead to increased stress and negative mental health effects.
With grief, the goal is often not to move on from it but rather to learn to live a life around it. It can take time to do this, and you will need systems of support to help you. Take care of yourself.