DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a shower for a friend’s daughter’s wedding. It was called a “suitcase” shower, meaning that everyone was asked to give a gift card since the bride lived out of town.
When they started opening the cards, the family slowly realized that they couldn’t tell what people gave, or pass any gifts around to share, because it was all money on cards. After that awkward realization, they then passed around the wedding invitation -- to show it to those who were not invited to the wedding!
This was how I learned that I was one of the uninvited. I was stunned. The mother of the bride then said that not everyone was invited to the nuptials because “perhaps they couldn’t afford to go out of town” to attend it. It seems to me that if I were invited, it would be my choice whether or not I went -- for whatever reason.
I then felt even more insulted. It seems they were intent on having a small wedding, but by having a shower, they made sure that they got gifts from more people.
After the wedding, the family sent out invitations for a backyard reception for the newlyweds. The invitation did not say anything about “no gifts,” so I assumed they were expected. And although I had already given them a gift, I would have felt awkward arriving without another, so I didn’t attend the reception at all.
As a result, my friend didn’t speak to me for several years. Was I wrong for not going to the reception and not giving another wedding present?
GENTLE READER: It strikes Miss Manners that the way to handle such a “suitcase” event is to pack up and get out of there.
If you are looking for validation that it was an insult to wave the wedding invitation in front of you -- and announce that “nyah, nyah, you were not invited” -- Miss Manners can give it to you. The only thing you owe this family is thanks for cutting off relations.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have something the doctors call “non-allergic perennial rhinitis,” which means my nose runs all the time, every day, for no reason. Due to this uncontrollably runny nose, I have constant recourse to my handkerchief throughout the day, 365 days a year.
Is the use of a handkerchief permitted at the table, or must I excuse myself every 10 seconds? Either seems likely to be distressing for my friends.
GENTLE READER: Are you honking?
Miss Manners begs your pardon, but cannot imagine what -- other than some quiet sympathy -- could distress your friends if you are merely dabbing your nose with your pretty handkerchief. Accompanying noises do bother some people, but surely those people would have disappeared from your life long ago.