Wayne & Wanda: My new boyfriend has two female besties and it’s making me jealous

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’ve been seeing “John” for a few months. We are both about 30 years old and relatively new to Alaska, and we met online. We have a lot of fun together and while we met for a casual meet-up, we’ve really come to enjoy our time together and things are gradually getting more serious. Recently we agreed we were exclusive. While we aren’t rushing things, or talking about moving in together yet, I could see things heading that way.

My problem is his two best friends are women he’s known since college. They don’t live here, but they are both gorgeous, successful, and very important to him. I feel like I’m in second (or third) place when they need something. We’ll be out or at dinner, and if they text, forget it — he drops everything to respond, which I think is really rude. One of them has a semi-serious boyfriend, while the other sounds like she’s always single and playing to field, and the three of them are constantly texting on a group chat and liking and posting on each other’s social media. Sometimes they have Zoom calls and the calls always end with “I love yous” all around. I am not asked to join in on these calls.

I was really doing my best to not be jealous but recently he shared that he will be going home for a visit this fall and the three of them are timing it so they can all be there at the same time. They are all staying at the same hotel. I am hurt he hasn’t asked me to go or even suggested that’s crossed his mind. I never thought of myself as a jealous person but with these two women in his life, I sometimes feel like there isn’t any space for me. Do you have any advice? I feel like I might ruin things if I let my jealousy get the best of me.

Wanda says:

First off, stop beating yourself up about feeling insecure; that’s perfectly normal. You’re in a new relationship, and navigating where you fit in amid old and existing friendships is always tricky — especially so when those in question are attractive ladies of the opposite sex with bench depth, shared memories, and deep roots.

I’d advise you to do your very best to distinguish between natural feelings of insecurity and actual reasons for concern. For example, he isn’t hiding in a dark room texting them back; he’s doing it in front of you — which might be rude but at least it isn’t secretive! And when he tosses them a “love you” farewell after a video chat, he does so knowing you’re within earshot. While he may be tone-deaf about how these interactions could bruise your ego and raise concern, he’s also being fairly transparent, which suggests he has little to hide.

Be proactive and definitely don’t let your feelings overwhelm you. Jealousy can make us think and do crazy things, so get in front of it, and let John know that while it’s awesome he’s maintained old friendships, you can’t help but feel a little unsure about your place in his life when he already has some strong female energy in his orbit. Give him a few actionable requests; for example, it’s totally reasonable to ask he not respond to texts during dinner. This isn’t about asking him to not talk to him; it’s about asking him to commit to your quality time together.

Wayne says:

Jealousy and insecurity are powerful and potentially destructive emotions, especially so when intertwined. They can sizzle self-confidence, flatten friendships, ruin relationships, and drive people to really, really dark places (see every episode of “20/20,” “48 Hours” and “Dateline”). Good for you for recognizing these feelings, fighting to keep them from overwhelming you, and asking for some perspective.

Here’s mine: You can go through life letting jealousy and insecurity steer you, blind you, and even drive you crazy. But if you’re ever going to feel secure in a relationship, you’re going to have to accept life and actions at face value and trust your partner until they prove untrustworthy. Yes, that’s frightening, but with this leap of faith can come peace and freedom to fully love someone else (and even feel a little extra love yourself). Why not try it now with this man, who may not have the best social skills (as Wanda said, you can work with him on that) but seems committed to you? And here’s a bonus confidence boost to get you started: his friends might be girls, but you’re his chosen, exclusive girlfriend.

So let these feelings go in regards to this unconventional yet harmless friendship. Feel the emotions bubbling up in the future? Acknowledge them, examine why you’re feeling that way, and look beyond them for the truth. More often than not, that truth will reveal that you are overreacting, taking things too personally, or letting your imagination run wild. Instead, go run wild in the honeymoon phase with your new boyfriend.