DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have some friends who live eight hours away, and they have been after us for the past few years to visit. A few weeks ago, we made the drive to see them and stayed two nights.
Both mornings, they slept very late, rising after 10 a.m. We got up and made coffee, and that was the extent of the breakfast. We took them out to a restaurant dinner one night, and the next night, they ordered pizza and passed out flimsy paper plates.
We left the following morning, after we again had made the coffee. They did pull themselves out of bed to see us off. We stopped at a fast-food restaurant to eat.
It felt disrespectful to me that we were not worthy of them getting up at a reasonable time, perhaps actually cooking something and, that aside, using something other than paper plates. The two of them are also constant quibblers.
We are considering not making the effort to see them in the future. Am I being too picky and snobbish, or expecting too much?
GENTLE READER: It is a very different thing to live with someone -- even temporarily -- than just to know them socially. Your friends have a home routine that does not meet your expectations, and while it does not make them great hosts, it does not necessarily make them bad companions.
Miss Manners suggests that you keep the friendship away from overnight visits. Unless, of course, you want to act as hosts next time and show them how it is properly done. Just be prepared for them to sleep through your homemade breakfast served on china plates.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it a requirement to bring a gift to an engagement party when a gift registry is not included in the invitation?
GENTLE READER: It is not even a requirement when it is.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m wondering how to address my 10-year-old granddaughter when she says things that are unkind to me.
She has a habit of putting down her younger brother (saying he’s stupid, lazy, fat, etc.), for which I’ve admonished her. We’ve always had an excellent relationship, but I notice she’s now directing these types of comments my way, particularly about my innate physical characteristics. (She comes from a family of great beauties, and I’m not overly attractive.)
I’m reluctant to give her the power of knowing she can wound me, but I’m not quite sure how to handle this passive-aggressive behavior. Suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Yes, two. First, that you recognize that this behavior is aggressive-aggressive, not passive-aggressive. And second, that you dissuade yourself of the idea that the power is hers if she knows she can wound you.
Miss Manners hopes that at 10 years old, this child is not beyond learning empathy -- or at the very least, the consequences of damaging relationships. As her grandmother, you have the standing to tell her that this is hurtful and that insulting people is not acceptable.
You may add that others -- e.g., her friends -- may not give her the second chance that you will.