Dear Eric: Our 11-year-old nephew (on my husband’s side) is like Dudley from the “Harry Potter” series. He’s spoiled, entitled, rude and disrespectful to young and old family members. Family gatherings have become very stressful and tense due to his behavior.
Meals and mealtimes always have to revolve around his taste and timeframe or he throws tantrums. He will not greet adults; he makes no eye contact and interrupts adult conversations.
His way of saying hello is to punch his uncle (my husband) and he also punches his cousins (our children). He will give a half-hearted “sorry” and thinks that somehow the air has been cleared and he can go on his merry way.
When we use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be punched” or “I said ‘hello’, you should say ‘hello’ back” he becomes snarky and says we are not his parents so we can’t tell him what to do.
His parents respond the same way and tell us not to “tell their kid what to do”. He has no social communication deficits and is not on the autism spectrum. Please advise us on how to respond or what to say during these tense interactions.
Leaving a family party seems too dramatic and allows the “behavior” to “win” in a sense.
– Dudley’s Aunt
Dear Aunt: Dudley’s a problem, but these parents are even worse. It would be one thing if they were “helpless” in the face of a hellion. But since they take on an adversarial tone when you, rightfully, tell Dudley not to punch another person, I’m inclined to believe they condone or even encourage his acting out.
Presumably, one of the parents is your husband’s sibling. So, I’m wondering if this family dynamic precedes the kid. Are they bullies, too?
Make it clear to them before the next gathering what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to your own kids and your own bodies. Tell them, “Your child is not allowed to punch my child, and I expect you to make sure that doesn’t happen. If you can’t do that, we can’t be around each other.”
Judging from their prior responses, they may not be receptive. But you have to draw the line in the sand, even if it means leaving a family gathering. Dudley has already brought the drama with his Rocky Balboa impression. You’re allowed to step out of the ring.
Dear Eric: When I was in my very early 20s, some 27 years ago, I “dabbled” in drugs. My car was stolen one night, and with it my drugs. I didn’t know what to do, fearing I would be arrested myself for the drugs.
I had to come clean to my dad, the owner of the car. He called his attorney and then the cops. The attorney told us to keep quiet about the drugs, don’t answer any questions other than the car theft, and if directly asked about the drugs, to refer the questions to him.
The thief was apprehended by the police. They searched my car and found the drugs. The thief was adamant they weren’t his. When they questioned me, I panicked and lied, denying all knowledge of them. The thief ended up getting charged for my drugs and received an additional two years.
He went to jail; I went on “vacation” to a very private drug rehab clinic. I’ve been clean ever since. I try not to think of it anymore but occasionally I do and have a great deal of remorse about it. Coming clean all these years later to the cops doesn’t make sense, not that I could even be charged all these years later. An apology to this car thief (who had a significant arrest history, including for drugs) doesn’t sound like a good idea either. Any advice on how to put this behind me?
– Reformed Remorse
Dear Remorse: I’m a little curious about why the apology is a no-go for you. Yes, his actions and your actions put him in jail, so he’s not a blameless victim. But you played a crucial role. If you want to make amends, an apology is how you start. You may not want to get involved in this person’s life again, but the fact is you have been for the last 27 years.
Look, it doesn’t come without its risks. He could be angry; he could lash out. But he could also be understanding or forgiving or phlegmatic.
One way to put this behind you is to just forgive yourself and move on. That’s also an option. You made a mistake and took the advice you were given. But I think this other person is going to keep riding around in the passenger seat of your guilt until you address it.