Dear Readers: Many of you wrote in about the fact that “Wife Problem” (How can I get my wife to be more helpful with household tasks?) should be assessed for ADHD. Thank you all so much for your input. Below are a few letters:
Dear Annie: This is in response to the letter in which the author’s wife cannot finish basic tasks around the house without beginning a large project that never gets finished. This sounds like a common ADHD symptom. My husband and multiple members of my family and friends have been diagnosed with ADHD, and symptoms often include leaving tasks unfinished or starting another related project before finishing the first one. Without his medication, asking my husband to take out the garbage can lead to installing Wi-Fi lightbulbs in the garage or blowing up the inflatable kayak to see if it has any holes, and then, 10 steps later, he is on the roof with a leaf blower cleaning out gutters -- with the garbage bag still sitting right there next to the garbage can but never deposited.
Women and girls are not as frequently diagnosed with ADHD because their symptoms will present differently than men and boys, and it is extremely common for women to “mask” their symptoms by tying them to things like anxiety or “perfectionism.” I wanted to send this message in the hope that it could reach the perfectionist wife, and she could decide if she wants to see a doctor about this. From my experience, once my husband was diagnosed and medicated, my entire domestic world shifted dramatically in a positive way, and his world became so much easier to navigate for him, too.
-- ADHD Wife, Sister, Friend
Dear Annie: I’m sure you’ve heard this from multiple readers already -- the wife should immediately be assessed for ADHD. This letter could have been written about me.
Eight years ago, I began to understand how differently ADHD presents in adult women as opposed to men and adolescents. It took a few months to get the medication dosage amounts and timing right for me, but it’s been incredibly helpful.
-- Grateful Patient
Dear Annie: After reading the most recent column submitted to you from “Wife Problem,” I think you were a bit off-base in your assessment of this issue. As an adult with ADHD myself, the wife definitely shows signs of having the same behaviors that I do. It’s not just her being a “messy” person, but rather having a condition that is uncontrollable and embarrassing. We have the best of intentions, but our inability to focus and tendencies to be diverted by the next task, and then the next, are frustrating to people who don’t understand. They are equally as frustrating to individuals who have not been diagnosed and told their issues are just too much for others to deal with.
There are medications and therapies that can help when a person is properly diagnosed and treated. Maybe a different view and approach is better suited for this situation.
Thank you for your understanding, and I love reading your column every day.
-- Dealing with ADHD