Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I recently learned that my husband of several decades has had an ongoing emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend. This correspondence included texting and emails and phone calls, and even actual and attempted real-life meet-ups.
The way they have spoken to each other makes me extremely uncomfortable. They have shared that they love each other. One email was titled, “Thinking of you!” One Christmas email from both of them was, “Merry Christmas with all my love!” That following New Year’s, he said, “Happy New Year to the one woman I will always love!”
Here is one of the worst examples: he went on a cruise. I was unable to go and he would not reschedule. I found out later that she was scheduled to go but couldn’t last minute because she forgot her passport. The full week while he was gone, he communicated with her daily. He did not reach out to me. When he made it back to land that Sunday, they started texting again, and on the way home, he talked to her on the phone for nearly his entire six-hour drive.
I’ve confronted him about this affair and he tells me he has no feelings for her. He says the expressions of love are just about friendship. But I can’t get over the fact that he hid this relationship from everyone in his life, not just me. And the fact that he only ever says he loves me when I say it first. I’m irritated that she meanwhile has told him I have trust issues and am at fault for going through his phone reading old messages. At one point, he seemed to devalue everything I thought and felt by claiming to not even be familiar with the phrase “emotional affair.”
He wants us to rebuild our marriage and says that his only wrong was to not tell me that they were communicating. I have no trust for him now, and no desire to rebuild. It really broke my heart and I’m afraid to trust him again.
Wanda says:
Maybe your husband hasn’t heard the phrase “emotional affair” because he was too busy actively having one to pay attention. Everything you are feeling is valid. It is terribly crushing and a violation to learn someone you love and trust has been carrying on with a secret relationship for years on end, expressing intimacy and fondness, all without your knowledge. Sex or no sex, it’s a betrayal, and you can’t begin to rebuild your relationship until he takes accountability for this.
He didn’t tell anyone in his life about his ongoing relationship with his ex. Why is that? Usually, we don’t tell others we’re up to something because, on some level, we know we’re doing something wrong. Had they exchanged a single and very platonic annual email catching up on each other’s lives, you might understand and forgive that he forgot to mention that. That’s not what this is. This is a relationship, one spanning many years, and one that included at least one attempt for a vacation together.
If there’s any hope of saving your marriage — or even having an amicable separation or divorce — it’s time to enlist the help of a third party. Your husband’s deception is too prolonged and your sense of betrayal too deep to navigate this without outside support. Yes, therapy requires humility and vulnerability, and can be expensive, embarrassing, and time-consuming. It also works. The two of you have clearly reached a stalemate where he’ll only take responsibility and you’ll only consider forgiveness with professional support and guidance.
Wayne says:
I’m glad that you’re getting it all off of your chest, shoulders and heart: his lies and deceptions, his difficulty to show you affection and attention, his ease of showing his old friend affection and attention, all the other people who were in the dark or in the know, and everything else about this whole mess.
OK, now why are you still holding on? You told us that you don’t trust him and can’t/won’t rebuild with him — yet you’re still on the fence. What level of betrayal will finally push you to move on from what is tearing you apart?
I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Leaving a long-term relationship and a well-established life and routine is so frightening, and giving up on someone you love is excruciating and comes with doubts. But you can play the “what if” game and divorce detective for another decade and still land in the same truth that you already clearly see and know: for you, this relationship is past fixing and the very best thing to do is move on.
So let go. I know, easier said than done. But have faith that while this decision is difficult and comes with heartache, you’ll also feel relief, freedom and light for the first time in a very long time, and it will get better. Find a therapist, spend time with friends, take your own cruise, do whatever you want and need to start moving toward a life that is safe and healthy for you. Good luck.
[Wayne and Wanda: Are friendly, secret chats with an ex ‘cheating’? Readers respond.]
[Dear Annie: My husband keeps visiting dating websites. What do I do?]