DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am allergic to all dairy products, so I must be careful to avoid consuming any foods containing milk, cream, butter or cheese.
Because the presence of dairy is not always obvious, I must often inquire about ingredients in a given dish when I am away from my own kitchen. I make these inquiries as gently and respectfully as I can, and I certainly do not expect that my dietary needs will always be accommodated.
As awareness of food allergies has grown in recent years, I have found that hosts often inquire about the dietary needs of their guests. For large catered events, it is increasingly common to ask attendees about food allergies. While I’m grateful for such consideration, I recognize and accept that it won’t be extended in every situation.
I attended a lovely wedding that included a full dinner served at the table. Well before the start of the dinner service, I identified a leader of the catering team, approached him at a moment where he did not appear to be engaged in other tasks, and asked if he could tell me which items on the dinner menu contained dairy products. I did not ask for a special accommodation; I simply asked for information. He told me he would check and get back to me.
In a follow-up conversation, the caterer informed me which dishes contained dairy, but then scolded me, saying, “If you wanted a dairy-free meal, you should have requested that in advance.”
For this particular event, the hosts did not ask guests about their dietary needs, as is their prerogative, so I felt it would be impolite and inappropriate to request an accommodation.
Should I have asked my hosts for a dairy-free meal even though they did not offer it? Was it impolite for me to request information regarding ingredients from the catering staff?
GENTLE READER: This caterer was looking for a fight.
Miss Manners assures you that you were polite. If you had wanted to impress that upon him, you could have said, “I was not given the option and did not want to assume you could make a special meal for me. The information you gave was all that I needed; thank you.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our team at work has group meetings once a week, and we share a meal together. One man never brings anything, except he did bring ice cream once.
What is a tactful way to tell him he needs to step up and bring something like the rest of us?
GENTLE READER: Having grown up with and amongst teachers, Miss Manners learned many important lessons, two of which might be helpful here.
1. Reward good behavior, rather than focusing exclusively on the bad.
2. Provide acceptable options from which to choose, rather than allowing him the choice to do nothing at all.
Applying these lessons in your case: “We so enjoyed the ice cream you brought that time. Perhaps you can be in charge of dessert for our meetings from now on. Or would bringing appetizers suit you better?”