Q: With Vice President Kamala Harris running for the presidency, all the trolls seem to be out attacking her in really vile ways because of her racial identity and gender. I am a South Asian woman and lawyer about her age, and I find myself wondering if everyone thinks of me the way they talk about Harris - DEI hire, just got where she was for diversity, etc.
How can I stop distrusting people and assuming that’s what at least some of them think? It is really bothering me.
- Wondering
Wondering: It’s possible that some people do think that you are a “DEI hire.” After all, you are hearing these things about someone who looks like you and has a similar career background. However, some people is not every person, and you can’t let “trolls” inform your new relationships, how you show up at work, or how you feel about yourself.
When people use the term “DEI hire,” they mean it in a tokenizing, exclusionary way. But here’s the truth: When other people think this about you, it says more about the systems that you exist and work in than it does about your abilities. It says more about those people, who think “being diverse” is a bad thing, than it does about the fact that your diverse experiences and background being an asset, a strength, a superpower.
What’s more important here is if you feel like a diversity hire at your workplace. For instance, do you feel like you’re able to advocate for yourself in your work environment, or do you feel like your every move is a potential risk? Do you feel like you fit in the workplace culture or are you being forced to fit? Are there other diverse voices, people or initiatives at your company?
You are internalizing these comments about Harris and it’s chipping away at your self esteem. That’s what microaggressions do, but I encourage you to try to focus on where - and with whom - you feel a sense of safety and support so you don’t lose yourself to this commentary.
Regardless of what others may think about you, remember that you are qualified, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have gotten to where you are. It’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s biases or narratives about you.
Q: As an older single woman, I downsized to a smaller home in a less expensive state. Despite the isolating factors of the pandemic, I made efforts to become acquainted with nearby neighbors. Two married couples who were already close friends started inviting me to their patio parties. While I have appreciated the opportunity to socialize with them, I find it hurtful and confusing that they provide very short (around two hours) notice when inviting me to events that have obviously been planned well in advance. Other guests have apparently been given the courtesy of reasonable advance notice.
Having accepted and attended despite feeling somewhat insulted and humiliated, I’m ready to risk speaking up, preferably in a way that helps to reveal the rationale for their discourtesy while preserving the option for friendly, neighborly relations. I’d greatly appreciate your advice on how to handle the communication.
- Confused
Confused: Before you take your neighbors’ behavior personally or reinforce this story, consider what other factors are at play. For example, I wonder if you have evidence that your neighbors’ parties have been planned “well in advance.” Or what other patterns are feeding this belief that your neighbors are being “discourteous.” I also am curious if - and how - your relationship is nurtured with one another beyond these parties. Do you have the type of relationship where you do other things together? One where you both make an effort to get to know each other or spend time together?
After all, being acquainted with your neighbors and being friends with them are two different things. And you sound disappointed that your neighbors are not giving you the type of friendship you are seeking - or that they may have with each other. While it makes sense that that makes you sad or feel lonely, I’d encourage you to focus on relationships you can nurture or activities (like a local hobby club) you could join to expand your community.
If you feel like there’s a real friendship there, you may consider saying something next time like, “Hey, I had fun at your party last weekend. I’ve noticed that I am always invited at the last minute and it makes me feel like an afterthought. I value your friendship and I’d love to talk about it.” You can’t change how other people act, but you can communicate how it makes you feel.
You also get to decide for yourself what behavior you are willing to tolerate. If you feel “insulted” or “humiliated” - which are strong feelings - you should consider setting a boundary for yourself. This may sound like, “I’d love to come, but without advance notice it’s hard for me to make it work.”
Explore what it is you really need to take care of yourself, and what pieces of the puzzle you are filling in without more information, and take it from there. Good luck!