Dear Meghan: My fifth grader gets yelled at by other kids when he makes mistakes in sports played at recess (e.g. missing a soccer goal or fumbling a football). How should he respond? He is not classmates or friends with the kids who yell, so there aren’t many opportunities to address the yelling with kids off the field. He does not feel like reporting the behavior to a teacher would be effective. He feels like the only way to avoid the yelling would be to sit alone at recess.
I’m concerned that the yelling and criticism is negatively impacting his mood at school and at home. He says things like “nobody cares about me” and “I have no friends.” He is dismissive when I tell him that his family cares about him and when I give examples of friends who seem eager to spend time with him. I acknowledge his hurt feelings and encourage him to talk about them. Are there other things I should say or do?
- Recess Trouble
Recess Trouble: While reading your letter, I had a flashback to playing dodgeball when I was in third grade. I was second to last on my team and we were doing well; a boy weakly threw the ball at me and it was an obvious catch, but I fumbled it. As it bounced off my hands, I could hear the groans and jeers from my classmates; I was completely mortified. It was just a dodgeball game, but it felt like my whole life was crumbling.
Getting yelled at, embarrassed and teased is part of growing up (and rampant in middle school). I can guarantee that your son is not the only one getting yelled at, he isn’t the first and he won’t be the last. I don’t want our children to have to “toughen up” to live in this world, but we also have to deal with the reality that we live in a culture that prizes “sucking it up” and hiding our pain. The good news? Your son is telling you about his pain! This is huge! If you’re encouraging him to talk it through with you, you are creating a safe space and validating his feelings. That is also huge!
The teasing isn’t the problem (although we hate it); the lack of movement of big emotions is the problem. Keep rereading that sentence until it settles in you. I know it is distressing to hear him say he doesn’t have any friends and no one cares, but as we work through the emotions, there can be time to reality check that notion. If you skip over his feelings to prove him wrong, he will feel unheard and frustrated. When emotions are running high and a child that age feels embarrassed, it is typical for them to generalize their feelings into total worthlessness, but don’t take the bait. Stick to strong listening, mirroring back what he says and loving him through it.
What more can you do here? Well, if the yelling is veering toward outright targeted slurs, racist taunts or name-calling that is personal to his presentation, religion, culture, sexual orientation, learning differences or anything else along that line, then I would call a meeting with the school principal (along with the counselor and any other stakeholders). Using facts and quotes, clearly state what needs to happen (more adults everywhere to monitor the recess at minimum), and don’t be afraid to mention the school’s federal obligation to stop harassment of all students, not just your son.
If the yelling is more like, “Oh my God, Travis, you dropped the ball. You suck,” listen to your son complain, hug him and, at the end of his feelings, ask him whether he wants to do anything about this. This returns some power to your son; he has choices here. He can tell them to shove it, he can walk away, he can practice catching more passes with you, he can tell a teacher, he can choose to not play these sports with them, he can go hang inside with a teacher, he can find another activity, or he can sit alone. I know you probably hate that last option, but it is perfectly fine to put it on the table. By returning some choice to him, he isn’t just the victim of these kids.
Your son may not know what he wants to do, but if he says, “I am just going to sit alone,” say, “I think that is a great thing to try this week! Sit by yourself, and see how you feel.” By not panicking, you are showing your son you have confidence in him to try something else and listen to himself. You will not remove all of the bullies in his life, but you can help him feel his emotions, create solutions (when possible) and move forward with greater resilience. Good luck.