DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this modern age, many workers have the option of working from home at least part of the week. My husband is one of them.
Several years ago, he installed himself at the kitchen table, where, for years, I had done my own work (household bills, etc.). There wasn’t so much as a “May I set up here?” or “Is this where you do your work?”
I never know what days he is going to stay home, nor where he’ll choose to work: It’s often the kitchen, but it’s sometimes our home office, the dining room or the living room. If I plan to, say, sort papers in our office, he may instead spend the whole day there taking conference calls. The end result is that I’m the one whose daytime routine is messed up. Friends can’t call because he is tying up the line, and I doubt he’d know what to do if people came over for coffee -- all that talking would disturb him.
Since he’s the main wage-earner, I usually say very little and try to adjust. It’s his house, too, so I expect to be a little flexible.
I feel like the maid who is working around the employer’s desk. The sink fills with extra dishes that I must wash. The tables (even in the living room) now have stray crumpled napkins or used dishes on them. His work papers, computers, dossiers, books and other office sundries are everywhere.
What etiquette rules apply to this stay-at-home worker? I really hate it.
GENTLE READER: What you and your husband seem to share is the notion that you have no say about this because he is the main wage-earner. But work-from-home is not going away, nor is he, and you probably don’t want to get to the point where you are.
So it is time to negotiate. Miss Manners is surprised that you did not learn to do this earlier in your marriage. The rule is that both people state what space they need, and then they compromise. In marital negotiations, unlike business ones, emotional suffering counts more than monetary contributions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend insists that when eating “sloppy food” such as spaghetti, it is acceptable to lean one’s head down to the food to avoid a mess, rather than bringing the food to one’s mouth. I try to explain that you can place your head a little over the plate so any food that falls will land back on the plate.
This is extremely embarrassing when eating in public. Any suggestions on how I can convince him that eating like a caveman is not acceptable?
GENTLE READER: Would you settle for matching the etiquette to the occasion? If he will refrain from ordering spaghetti when out with you, he can have all the spaghetti he likes when you are not around.
And as a bonus, Miss Manners will throw in, on your behalf, that you will refrain from calling him a caveman -- at least in public.