Q: I felt hurt and let down by my boyfriend on my birthday. We just moved in together, and I had huge expectations and he did not plan anything special for me. Upon confronting him, he said he was going to get the cake and that’s special for him. We have been together five years now and have been long distance. He says he’s always been a guy who can’t do grand gestures, and my expectations are unreal. Also his niece shares a birthday with me and I feel jealous of her (she’s 4 and extremely bratty). I don’t like kids a lot, and each time I try spending time with his family it gets to me. Nobody gets time to talk to anyone else as she starts crying if she’s not given attention or thought of as cute. I hate this behavior. Going into the relationship, I dreamed of being close to my guy’s sister and I guess that will never happen.
I deal with depression and anxiety and had several breakdowns and panic attacks on my birthday. It was a miserable day. I felt like I will never be the center of attention ever. And on top of that, nobody’s ever put balloons for my birthday and I really wanted him to do it this year. I have seen his brother-in-law do it for his sister and it bugs me that I will never have a memorable proposal or birthday.
- Birthday Blues
A: I am hearing a lot of different issues that are causing you to feel resentful and unhappy in the relationship. Your less than enthusiastic views of your boyfriend’s family signal that your disappointing birthday is just one part of a deeper problem. Simply wanting gestures or gifts to feel loved on your birthday is vastly different from feeling like many parts of the relationship make you feel deprioritized. If you haven’t communicated what you need to feel loved and secure in the relationship, it’s possible your boyfriend just doesn’t know these things are important to you. Wanting balloons for your birthday is reasonable. Hoping your boyfriend intuitively knows you want birthday balloons is not.
Consider what you really need in the relationship and decide if these are nonnegotiable to you. Your boyfriend says he isn’t someone who does grand gestures; what other behaviors or actions can help you feel loved? Be truthful with yourself about what he does that feels loving to you and about compromises that can help you feel better - like spending limited time with his niece on your shared birthday versus intentionally planning one-on-one time where you feel prioritized. If you feel like you have properly expressed your expectations, however, and he still hasn’t compromised or shuts you down by continuing to call your expectations “unreal,” you ultimately have two choices: do nothing and continue to be unhappy, or decide that you need more than what you are getting (which may mean leaving the relationship).
Being in a relationship means confronting your role in the relationship too, being honest about how you’re showing up and whether you’re projecting your own internal struggles. You mention how your sister-in-law’s partner shows up for her - do you often compare your circumstances to others? It’s important to figure out if her relationship is just confirming a lack in yours, or if you’re finding flaws based on that comparison. I do wonder if your jealousy of your niece being the “center of attention” is because you feel like it takes away from you in some way because your boyfriend doesn’t give you the attention you desire. Since you live with depression and anxiety, I kindly ask you to consider how you are taking care of yourself to manage these illnesses. Are you seeing a mental health care professional regularly, are you on medication, and/or are you taking care of your body and brain in your day-to-day behaviors and choices?
Your feelings coming to a head is a sign that it’s time to be explicitly clear about what your needs and expectations are with your boyfriend. Checking in on yourself and your relationship doesn’t mean something is wrong, it means you care and want to ensure that you are both happy and on the same page. Take care, and good luck!