Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m writing about a nightmare relationship I can’t break up from — my two co-workers, one of whom shares a half-wall with me in our cubicle setup. It’s super cringe, crazy distracting, and would definitely be in the HR Hall of Fame … if one of them wasn’t in our HR department.
So, my podmate is this young, pretty, smart, ambitious, flirty woman — I won’t say what we do for work to protect the guilty. Then there’s Mr. HR, who’s a total player and is always operating in the gray areas professionally. Almost every day, usually two or three times, Mr. Middle Age/Middle Management strolls over from his office two buildings away and four floors up to chat with her. They talk loud and they talk about EVERYTHING. They complain about work, trash their partners (yep, they’re both seeing other people), and gossip about everyone. It’s insane because he’s HR — he knows all the secrets, from rumors to facts. She eats it up and plays with his ego, but I don’t need to or want to hear any of it. I feel like I’m going to be called by a lawyer someday as a witness.
They act like they’re just “work spouses” but I know they’re hooking up. She takes super long “lunches” with him and they planned on meeting up at a downtown bar during a weekend when both their partners were away. Told you — cringe!
Ignoring it isn’t realistic because it’s impossible to focus. I can’t work with headphones on — music or noise-canceling stuff just doesn’t work for me. Even during Teams meetings with a headset, I can still hear them. I talked to her about the volume a year ago, and she gaslighted me — blank nodding, nothing changed. I’m always rolling my eyes and even groaning when he’s around, but he either gets louder or shoots me a dirty look.
Worst thing: I don’t think I can do anything about it. I’m scared to say anything because he already doesn’t like me and has some pull around here (thanks to his HR role and his VP aunt in another department, who’s actually really nice). Honestly, I think I’m just venting to you to get it off my chest. My saint of a girlfriend is exhausted with me talking about this mess. Going to HR is not realistic. Same with my manager, who just acts like it isn’t happening. I can’t say anything to them directly because he’s a loose cannon. And I’m stuck here because we’re a small team, and I can’t move anywhere. Quitting isn’t an option — this is actually a dream job I worked hard to get.
So, any advice? Thanks a lot.
Wayne says:
Well, this was certainly a curveball. Your note could have gone to The Workologist, Miss Manners or any of the Work & Life columnists at the Washington Post, New York Times or Wall Street Journal. Heck, a workplace Reddit thread would be fire. You could’ve been anywhere on the web, but you’re here with Wanda and Wayne, and we appreciate that.
And that’s because we’re going to shoot it to you straight, and here you go: normally I’d advise you to tell them to shut up and then sing like a canary to anyone who will listen … but you’re stuck in this mess, buddy. Anything you do is just going to make your work life even more difficult and distracting. If you love this job the way you say you do and brought forward anything about these two to anyone, you would, at worse, be putting your job at risk, as well as potentially landing on a black list to future employers; or at best, pile on a lot more distractions with meeting after meeting after meeting with his homies in HR, your company lawyers (same team as HR, basically), and other professional fixers. These things never work out for the good guy, even when everyone else is wrong.
Just keep your head down and trust that the universe, and their arrogance, will sort this all out soon enough. Because people like this get too full of themselves, get too sloppy and fly too close to the sun. They’re even taking this public. Eventually, they’ll get busted, they’ll get burned, and a partner or co-worker will out them to the world. Or maybe one of them will simply move on to another job.
Until then, whenever they get loud or obnoxious and you can’t concentrate on your work, open a Word doc and track everything they talk about. Everything. Protect yourself and this could be helpful to have when they slip up and get caught in a mess, and if you get dragged into their drama. Hang in there.
Wanda says:
Wow, Wayne, am I missing something? Documenting their behavior by keeping notes? These two aren’t doing anything illegal. And they certainly aren’t the first to engage in workplace flirting and infidelity. Other than being distracting and totally annoying, they aren’t jeopardizing your career. If anything, they’re undermining their own credibility. You obviously aren’t the only one who has noticed. Just like they’re gossiping about their co-workers, they’re certainly the subject of gossip too.
Here’s the thing about people who gossip: They trade information as currency. It makes them feel powerful. And part of that power is feeling above everyone else. So when busybodies become the subject of gossip, it makes them extremely uncomfortable because now the tables are flipped.
So here’s what you do: Schedule a working lunch with your female co-worker. Better yet, make it late afternoon cocktail hour. Then put on your best I’m-telling-you-this-for-your-own-good face, and break it down something like this: “I hate to be the one to tell you, but I value our team and don’t want this to bring you down. People are talking about you and Mr. HR. Like, a lot of people. Everyone is saying you guys are having an affair.”
I guarantee their loud flirty chats and egregious gossip sessions will drop off. Queen Bees hate to hear the hive is buzzing about their dirty business. Is this underhanded, perhaps slightly deceitful? Sure. Am I usually one to advocate for soft lies? No. But you refuse to go to HR (which you should), or your manager (so go to your manager’s manager), so if you aren’t going to take a professional route, this is your path forward.
[I’m scared I’ll be fired for doing the right thing]
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