Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I never thought I’d write you two a note but here we are … I’m looking for some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend, who is amazing in many ways but really struggles balancing his independence with our togetherness.
We’re in our late 20s, we started slow and have gotten more serious over a year. He’s a do-it-all contractor/handyman whose business is thriving — it’s exciting to see him grow and do something he’s so good at. Everyone loves him and wants him around, from his family and friends to all of his clients. That’s part of the problem, I guess. He’s always so busy with his work or friends (fishing, riding motorcycles/snowmachines) that it’s really hard for us to lock in dates or even get real quality time together. I get that he has to establish his business and that he also deserves to play and blow off steam, but I shouldn’t have to compete for his attention. It doesn’t feel right — he should prioritize spending time with me and instead he never commits and I feel like I get the scraps of his time.
He never sets boundaries, with his family, friends or clients. He drops everything whenever there’s a chance to work. I admire that but it often trashes our plans — 5 p.m. turns into 8 p.m. a lot. It’s so frustrating when he cancels our plans last-minute because a client called or a friend wants to “rally” to go late-night fishing. He tries to make up for it by paying for everything when we do go out, but what I really want is for him to be more present and honest about his time.
I’m pretty grounded, even though I also work really hard and am ambitious about my career. I have a great balance between work, personal life and relationships. I value boundaries and think they’re key for a healthy relationship. We’ve talked about boundaries and prioritizing time together, and he’s even said many times how he loves how balanced I am in my life, how much I get done and make time for people and things that are important, and wishes he could, too. And I know he’s trying, I can see him struggling and get frustrated, too. But it hurts to think that he might always ultimately prioritize work and the other people he loves over me and our relationship. And at the year mark, I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this.
Like I said, we’ve talked about our relationship and time together, but we often avoid getting too serious because it takes the fun out of our rare time together. How can I talk to him about this without making him feel pressured or guilty? I want him to understand that I appreciate his efforts, but I need more of his time to make this work. I want us to grow together, not apart, but I need to know if that’s even possible with this dynamic and his personality/struggles. TIA for any talking tips.
Wayne says:
This is a tough one because your heart is involved, you want to make this work, and it seems like your boyfriend is a genuinely good guy with a good heart … but also a busy mind, shaky resolve and yes-man personality. I’m going to shoot it to you straight because that’s what you want and deserve.
Your man-child BF is still figuring out this adulting thing, prioritizing what’s important in his life while trying to please everyone, including you. And yes, he’s struggling with the big ones: boundaries, time management, changes in his life and probably even his identity as the best contractor offering the best customer service, best brother/son and best boyfriend, and even best fishing/drinking buddy.
But that’s his life. At this point in your enlightened life, I think you understand that you can talk to him all you want, but the only real change you can guarantee is what you make in your life. It’s time to practice what you preach and instead of talking to him about improving on setting boundaries and prioritizing his time, do those things yourself. You’ve let this situation get you away from your core beliefs and balance: While you both seem to do great at supporting each other in your professional growth, you are not setting clear boundaries with him and you’re not scheduling quality time in concrete. And now you’re slipping into avoidance of important topics, which is a fast and frustrating downward spiral that just leads to more distance, a likely meltdown of communication and a false sense that everything’s OK.
It’s not. You want better. You’ve worked on yourself and your life to be an available partner and friend, and a driven professional. You can model those traits for your boyfriend and even try to help him get there, but he has to decide to go all in on his own. Until he does, your vision of a frustrated future isn’t a dream: It’s a likely reality. So establish boundaries with him and stick to them. It’s not a threat, it’s how you want/need to live life. He will either have a moment of clarity and start getting serious about creating balance and boundaries in his life, too, or he’ll continue on his wild journey of trying to be everything to everyone, which means everyone is getting a lesser version of him.
Wanda says:
Yes, this is about boundaries. And instead of focusing on your boyfriend’s inability to draw and keep said boundaries, pay attention to what Wayne says: You need to establish boundaries of your own.
You mention 5 p.m. meet-ups getting pushed forward several hours, plans getting canceled last-minute and would-be quality time for in-depth conversations being delayed due to few precious hours spent together. You’re enabling all of this. After a year of patience and flexibility, the expectation you’ve created is you will roll with the punches and take what you can get. The result is he’s rolling right over you, setting the tempo, prioritizing his life and needs above shared couple goals, and you simply aren’t getting enough to be happy.
So if he tells you he’ll meet you at 6 p.m., stick to that, and if he’s late or cancels, go home, and tell him you’ll have to try again at a later time. If he cancels plans, hold him accountable; rather than graciously reschedule, tell him no thank you. Create and stick to a reasonable expectation of regular hang-outs and get-togethers, and if he can’t make a simple occasional date night, that should not be forgiven.
This relationship isn’t new. It’s been a year. A year is a long time and it’s certainly enough time to establish patterns. Unfortunately the pattern that he’s formed here is one where he’s overcommitting and underperforming, and you’re the unhappy casualty. This cycle was established because you didn’t advocate for what you need. So stop soft-coaching your boyfriend on boundary-making, and create and stand by some of your own. It won’t take long to determine whether he can meet your needs or you need to move on.