Dear Annie: I’ve been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend, “Sarah,” for three years. We live together and have been discussing marriage. However, I recently discovered something that’s left me feeling confused and betrayed.
While cleaning out our closet, I stumbled upon a hidden stash of letters and mementos from her ex-boyfriend, “Scott.” The letters were deeply personal and intimate, expressing a level of passion and emotion she’s never shown with me. They dated for four years before we got together, and she’s always insisted that she’s completely over him.
I confronted Sarah about it, and she admitted she occasionally reads the letters but swears it’s purely nostalgic. She says she loves me and wants a future with me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m competing with a ghost. It hurts to think she might still have feelings for him.
Now, I’m questioning everything. Am I just a placeholder for her true love? Is it normal to keep such mementos, or am I right to feel betrayed? I don’t want to end our relationship over this, but I also don’t want to live in the shadow of her past. What should I do?
-- Thrown off by My Girlfriend’s Past
Dear Thrown: If you really love Sarah, you shouldn’t have read her private letters without her permission. However, it’s not uncommon for people to keep mementoes like these from previous relationships -- not because they still harbor feelings for an old flame but, as Sarah said, out of nostalgia for something that was once important.
Sarah’s relationship with this old boyfriend ended for a reason. Be transparent with her about how this discovery made you feel, but believe her feelings for you. You can’t move forward together if you’re constantly looking at the path behind you.
Dear Annie: I have a close friend I’ve known for years. Recently, she started spending a lot of time with a new group of friends, and I feel left out. They have inside jokes and make plans without including me. I know it’s natural for friendships to evolve, but I can’t help feeling jealous and hurt. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she says I’m overreacting and need to find new interests. I miss our old closeness and don’t know how to handle these feelings. Should I confront her again or work on accepting the new dynamics?
-- Left Out
Dear Left Out: Perhaps you should take a page out of your friend’s book and try to expand your circle, too. It’s normal for friendships to ebb and flow. If this girl is meant to be a long-term friend, I’m sure you will naturally find your way back to your “old closeness.” In the meantime, don’t let her desire for space and new experiences keep you from feeling fulfilled and happy.