DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hospitalized for two weeks with a serious illness that nearly took my life. While I appreciate my kind friends, I was in no condition to receive visitors other than family members, who understood I didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to engage in chatter. Therefore, when friends called and said they would be coming to visit, I politely asked them to please wait until I was released from the hospital.
I have learned that several people took great umbrage at my request. Was I wrong?
GENTLE READER: You were not wrong, but a more effective technique -- not to mention one easier on yourself -- would have been to deputize a family member to make your responses. There is a natural (but obviously incorrect) tendency to think that someone well enough to talk on the phone cannot possibly be in mortal danger.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-worker recently purchased some computer equipment for his new career. He generously offered me the expensive computer mouse he had previously been using.
I couldn’t accept such a pricey item for free, so I looked at what I had in my wallet and said, “I have to at least give you $20.” He responded, “How’s $50?”
I smiled and insisted he give it to someone else or save it for himself, even after he said he’d take the $20 (albeit embarrassed).
Should I have just taken it, seeing as he’ll be gone soon as it is? Was I rude for offering money for a gift?
GENTLE READER: After a send-off this awkward, did everyone have to come to work wearing paper bags over their heads for a week afterwards, Miss Manners wonders?
Yes, it was rude to offer money for a gift. You certainly could have either accepted or declined it as you chose.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were houseguests of some friends for a few days. One day, we watched as the host returned a partially eaten piece of chicken to the pot of stew he was preparing.
Two days later, we were served the stew again as a leftover. This situation was repeated two more times during our stay: The host’s uneaten portions were jettisoned back into a bowl, refrigerated, and served for another meal.
We found what our host did to be unsanitary and repulsive. Although we did not want to eat these leftovers, we felt we had no alternative. Should we have spoken up and expressed our negative views of what our host had done, not just once but three times? Should we have just refused to eat the food we had enjoyed the first time it was served?
GENTLE READER: As guests in the house, you were essentially captives, Miss Manners realizes, but even were that not the case, she could not sanction telling a host you find his repotting the leftovers repulsive even once, much less three times. She says this whether it is the chicken or the complaints coming around one time or three.
While you cannot denounce the food, you can push it to the side and instead concentrate on the less well-pedigreed items.