Dear Annie: My husband of 19 years has been physically and emotionally abusive. We have two boys, now ages 18 and 13.
I have tried kicking him out many times. He will leave for one day and then come back. He won’t leave me alone even though I tell him that it’s completely over between us.
I have told him that I’m no longer his wife, that he is nothing to me, but he doesn’t care. He stays at the house, saying it’s his home, too, and as long as he’s not breaking the law, he is gonna stay and there is nothing I can do about it, which is true. I don’t have the money to move. He has a trailer that his family gave him for free, but he won’t go.
He follows me, and I‘m losing my mind. I have nowhere to go. I have no one to call for help. He doesn’t work and hasn’t in years. Please help me.
-- Can’t Get My Husband to Leave
Dear Can’t Get My Husband to Leave: Please contact https://www.thehotline.org. It is a domestic violence support hotline, and they can help you plan your exit with your sons. You also may need the help of a good divorce attorney. My advice to you is to take action as soon as you can and lean on all the resources that are out there to help you. You are not alone in this.
Dear Annie: I want to thank you for sharing reader responses to “Emotional Blackmail,” the woman who reconnected with her son after many years apart and is emotionally and financially drained. You’ve set a great example of how to correct a mistake with grace -- well done.
Now I would like to offer my own thoughts about the woman’s situation, especially because this issue hits close to home for me.
This woman left her son, a preschooler at the time, with a man who was very abusive. She abandoned him to a monster. That child had to deal with his own issues about being abandoned by his mother, in addition to living with an abusive parent, with no one to protect him. What sort of impact do you think that this would have on him during his core developmental years?
If the situation was as bad as she described, she should have taken her child with her. She should have found a way to make a great life for her child, not just for herself.
It’s hardly surprising if he’s grown to have complex feelings toward his mother.
I’m not suggesting that she have no boundaries with her son -- he is using her; he may feel that he’s owed the money she gives him; he likely feels a lot of negative emotions toward her -- but deep down, I’m confident that he is deeply hurt by her actions and doesn’t know how to make it better within himself.
She should be working harder to make up for the mother that she was not, for the majority of his life. This will ultimately be more valuable to him than any amount of money she gives him.
I really hope that young man doesn’t read your response; you’ve become another adult who has overlooked his emotional well-being and likely reinforced the negative thoughts he has about himself.
-- Another Perspective
Dear Another Perspective: Thank you for your letter and words of advice. I have no doubt that many of your observations about the young man who was abandoned as a boy by his abused mother are correct.