Dear Annie: I am a 56-year-old woman with two sons. I raised them mostly as a single parent. My oldest son is in the military, and my youngest is attending university to earn his bachelor’s degree in fine arts.
My oldest and I are currently not on speaking terms. When his grandmother passed away, he was stationed in Korea and couldn’t attend the funeral despite our efforts to get him there. During the funeral arrangements, he kept in touch with me through phone calls. His grandmother had left him her house, car and a safe deposit box, instructing him to share the proceeds from selling these assets with his younger brother. This amounted to about $70,000. He agreed to this, but it didn’t happen.
Shortly after he and his brother went to their grandmother’s house to finalize the sale of her belongings, he stopped communicating with both of us. At that time, my youngest son was in high school and looking forward to college. The money from his grandmother was supposed to help him attend a great university. Despite numerous attempts to contact his brother for help with college expenses, my youngest never received a response. Fortunately, he secured scholarships and grants to cover his needs.
After about four and a half years, my oldest son reached out, expressing a desire to reconnect with me and his brother. During this time, I learned he had gotten married and had a son. My youngest spoke with him and discovered that the money was gone, supposedly spent on his son’s birth and related expenses. Knowing the military provides assistance for such things, I doubted this explanation but chose not to question it, fearing he would stop talking to me again. I wanted to maintain a relationship with his family.
However, about a year after we resumed contact, he stopped communicating again. His wife also ceased sending pictures and videos of my grandson. This has left me heartbroken. I avoided confrontation to keep the peace and stay in touch, but it didn’t work. I am confused about what I did wrong. My youngest is so angry that he has disowned his brother completely.
I’m at a loss for what to do. Should I write to him? Should I let him go? He knew how much it would hurt me if he cut off contact again, but he did it anyway. Do you have any advice or insight on how I should proceed?
-- Same Hurt Twice
Dear Same Hurt Twice: Firstly, you should consult an attorney about money that your son is owed by his older brother. You don’t provide enough facts about why he keeps cutting you out, but in any case, I would get curious about why he keeps doing this. Are your behaviors doing something to trigger him? Is there some way that you can speak with him and try to mend your relationship? That modeling will also help your younger son want to repair the ruptured relationship that he has with his brother.