Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I recently started dating “Jessica.” She is bubbly, outgoing, friendly — a really nice balance to me, as I tend to be more introverted and laid back. I have a few good friends, but Jessica seems to know everyone. Not surprisingly, she’s much more social than I am, and as the summer approached, she warned me she had a lot of commitments and was excited to have me as her plus one.
So far this summer, I have been to three weddings, countless barbecues, a couple birthday parties, and multiple happy hours as Jessica’s plus-one. In nearly every instance, she was the only person I knew at the events. This really does take me way out of my comfort zone. I’m not great with small talk and I’ve never been good at just going up and striking up conversation with strangers.
I didn’t think it would be so awkward and rough because I knew I would have Jessica by my side. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked out that way. The moment we arrive at an event, she is going in 20 directions talking to different people, bouncing off the walls with energy. I can’t even keep up, so I don’t try. A couple of times, when she’s asked if I’ve had fun, I’ve told her it would be better if she could at least introduce me to a couple people before doing her own thing. She very sincerely apologized and promised to “do better next time,” but the next time comes and it’s the same old story.
There is another wedding coming up, this one out of town, and I suggested I skip it. She got really upset, said it’s important that her partner enjoy being with her at these events, and suggested I should try harder. That was hard to hear when I feel like she isn’t trying at all. Is there a compromise here? I feel like giving up.
Wanda says:
We all navigate social situations differently, and it’s understandable that in a room full of strangers, you’re not in your element, and feeling awkward and overwhelmed. It’s sweet that you want to support Jessica, but that goes both ways, and she needs to support you as well. If your relationship is going to work, you need to learn how to mutually navigate social situations so you’re both comfortable — and maybe even having fun.
Rather than explain why you were miserable after the fact, sit down with Jessica before your next event and come up with an agreed-upon game plan. Get the scoop on the key players in the room — who are her best friends or family members you should make a point to meet? Agree on a plan that includes her introducing you to these few key people before she goes full-on social butterfly and leaves you to your own devices.
Also discuss how often you will check in with each other throughout the event. This can help you feel more included and less isolated. As your date, she owes you these check-ins and should want to spend time with you. This isn’t about you wanting to cramp her style or hold her back. It’s about finding a way for both of you to feel comfortable and enjoy the time together.
Wayne says:
You need to try harder? She clearly doesn’t understand that it’s pretty damn tough being a plus-one when your date subtracts herself from you the moment she makes her grand entrance, and that it’s creating division between you two.
At this point, you’ve taken more than one for the team. You’ve taken a whole summer of parties for her, with more on the horizon. And just an FYI, bro: Winter is coming and it does not stop. Hope you have some nice suits, cozy dancing shoes and a big, cheery attitude (and some folding cash for silent auctions and drawings) for the long season of galas and holiday events ahead.
Unless she’s just using you as a boyfriend prop, she needs to understand that sure not only needs to check in with you but grab you by the hand and bring her with you as she works the room; when there’s a person or group she needs to be with alone, she makes sure you’re in a comfortable spot; and ultimately, she shows appreciation for you being there with her and for her — before, during and after the event. I’m guessing these simple, and seemingly obvious, gestures of gratitude will smooth out a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling going into these events, and the awkwardness you’re experiencing when you’re there.
Now, can you do better? I know, you’re doing a lot, but yes, you can. I’m guessing you’ve probably started seeing some familiar faces — family, friends, strangers — at these events. You know, the ones that look just like you: alone/abandoned, bored/lost, slowly sipping on an IPA in the corner/going back for thirds from the buffet to pass the time. Remember, you aren’t the only plus-one in the building. Buck up and find your people, strike up some conversations and build some party friendships. It will make the time pass, make you feel a little less alone, and who knows? You might just have a good time.
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