Q: I am in my mid-30s and am dating to find my forever person. I have been in several long-term relationships and lots of casual ones. At this point, I know what I want in a partner. I have been seeing someone for about three months who I feel has real promise and am excited about the relationship.
Since my last relationship, I have made friends with a group of single ladies whom I now consider good friends. One of these friends has never been in a committed relationship, yet she fairly regularly provides unsolicited commentary and critiques about my relationships. (E.g., I shouldn’t be planning my weekends around him, I am moving too quickly, she doesn’t like him for me, it’s still very early, things she thinks are red flags, etc.).
Given that she has never been in a committed relationship and has spent minimal time around any of the people I have dated, I don’t really value her opinions. The problem is, I don’t mind the advice or comments from the other friends in the group, because I think they are more grounded in experience and tailored to me. I have not confronted her about her comments because I can’t think of a way to say it that isn’t offensive. How can I get her to stop in a way that isn’t mean?
- Stop Giving Me Advice
A: It never feels good to have someone always critique your choices or make you feel like they don’t trust your judgment. But before we jump to conclusions, I am hearing the possibility of two scenarios: She doesn’t tell you what you want to hear and that’s what’s upsetting you, or the difference in your experiences or values is too large for her to be the supportive and understanding friend you need. These would each involve a different course of action.
First, you say the advice from your other friends is “grounded” and “tailored” to you. It makes me wonder if they only tell you what you want to hear? Does this friend whose “opinions you don’t value” not say what you want to hear? If you don’t like her advice because she challenges your choices, it could mean you struggle to tolerate a difference in opinions more than her actual opinion being the issue. If, after some self-searching, you realize you are often irritated because of pushback from friends or family, that might be a clue that this is a you-problem.
Or, you have such differing worldviews that her comments make you feel unsupported. As you say, she is probably giving you feedback from her perspective (which includes her own experiences, insecurities or concerns). So next time she jumps to “critiquing” you, you could say, “I know you mean well, but I have had enough experience to know myself. I don’t see it that way, and right now, it’s important for me to trust my own gut on this.” You can also address how she makes you feel directly by saying, “I know you mean well and are looking out for me, but when you say things like that it makes me feel unsupported in my choices.” Or, you can shut down her advice-giving altogether by saying, “Right now, instead of advice, I’d appreciate it if you just listened.” Sometimes we have to teach our friends how to love us.
You’re not going to gel with everyone you meet. And sometimes you realize a friendship isn’t a great match after you’ve already become close. Maybe the simple answer here is that you don’t actually like this friend very much anymore. And that’s okay. This may mean redirecting the conversation or filtering how much you share in the group and focusing on nurturing the other friendships that feel good to you.
Either way, you want to get clarity for yourself on what specifically bothers you about her feedback - or just her - so you can find the right way to respond. Good luck!