Parenting Q&A: Grandparents feel ‘spied on’ through nanny cams when they babysit

Dear Meghan: We love looking after our 18-month-old granddaughter when her parents travel. She’s an easy child who generally follows a set schedule: Nap at 11, bedtime at 7, and snacks and meals at set times.

The problem is her parents have nanny cams aimed at the crib and the living room. Because the child is on such a specific schedule, they tune in at meals and bedtime to check in. On one visit, I got a call 15 minutes after nap time was supposed to end, suggesting I wake her up or she wouldn’t sleep. In fact, she had woken up mid-nap, played quietly in her crib for 15 minutes and went back to sleep. I was getting ready to wake her based on the correct sleep time, rather than the time on the clock. On our last visit, we put her down right on time, but she didn’t fall asleep for over an hour, playing quietly in her crib. Mom called in distress, asking if the night light was too bright or the sound machine too loud.

I hate that she can’t relax while away, and I really dislike feeling micromanaged and spied on. How do we navigate this? I find myself getting really frustrated and unable to relax and just enjoy being with our granddaughter because I feel like we are constantly being watched and found wanting. I have heard similar stories from friends who are grandparents.

- Watched

Watched: From doorbell cameras to nanny cams, our culture is obsessed with monitoring all kinds of people (and animals). Since so many of us grew up with wildly different access, it is difficult to discern what is needed and what borders on neuroticism. For instance, do I begrudge a new parent checking the camera while their little one is in day care? Probably not. Is it necessary to stare at a crib camera while a healthy baby sleeps upstairs? Well, that’s a tougher call. Your issue with these young parents falls somewhere in the middle of these two examples.

To begin, you sound utterly reasonable. I don’t hear any of the “I’m older and know everything and don’t need anyone checking on me” that I sometimes see from grandparents. In fact, you feel empathy for the mom who cannot relax, and I love to see that.

You specifically mention that you watch the baby when the parents are traveling, so I’m curious how often this is. If, for instance, the parents travel twice a year, you may decide to suck it up and put up with the monitoring for the sake of spending time with your granddaughter. When you’ve mentally decided that mom will call day and night, you can just roll with it and decide to be unbothered.

If the parents travel often or you feel bothered by this monitoring, you need to ask for a sit down with the parents. Clarify before you meet what you are seeking to accomplish with this meeting. It could be something like you want the parents to feel reassured, you want to feel a bit more trusted and you are looking for a middle ground between these two points. By reflecting on your own talking points, you are less likely to veer off into hurt feelings and petty examples.

When you sit with the parents, lead with how much you value your granddaughter and them. Admit how different parenting was for your generation, that it would have been nice to have a way to “check in” sometimes and that you appreciate that this is how parenting is now. Then, say something like, “I know Octavia’s schedule is important, and I’m hoping we can set up some times to check in rather than on-the-spot calls. I find them to be a bit distracting, and I think it would help you to feel more relaxed on your much-deserved vacation/stressful work trip. What times work best for you? I’m happy to call or text updates.”

Their reception depends on your relationship with these young parents, and you should use your knowledge of these dynamics to communicate best with them. For instance, if you know the birth was traumatic, you will acknowledge that it must be scary to leave her. If the couple experienced miscarriage, you will acknowledge how special this toddler is. If you know they experience anxiety, you will acknowledge that the imagination can run wild when you are away from your child. The more empathy you offer these parents, the more likely they are to feel seen, and the more seen they feel, the more likely they are to relax (and bug you less). You get the point: You want to work with what you have in front of you with love and understanding.

Only you can decide how much you want to push back here. For what it’s worth, I too was a young parent who sometimes over-monitored my babies and only time, wisdom and experience helped me see that the monitoring just caused more anxiety. And yes, I’ve admitted this to my mother; she was always graciously accommodating of my peccadillos until I matured as a parent. Keep in mind that parents need time to grow up just as their children do. Whatever you do, stay in your granddaughter’s life! It’s a blessing for all of you.