Q: I have one living brother, and we always have had a good relationship, although not a very close one. He lives far away, but I see him almost every year with other family, and we have talked every three or four months and emailed more frequently.
About six months ago, we accidentally backed into a political discussion. While I have long known our views of the world were somewhat different, I discovered that he holds pretty extreme views contrary to mine. During this discussion, he made a personal comment about me that I found insulting, and I responded that I had been trying to keep our discussion from being personal.
Since then, I have received very little or no response to emails to the general family, and no response in recent months. Through reflection, I have decided to completely set aside the insult and the difference in our values and simply maintain the relationship that we had, but I apprehend that the feeling is not mutual. How should I proceed?
— Sibling
A: Before you figure out how to proceed, I encourage you to dig deeper and consider: What does it even mean to maintain the relationship with your brother? In your letter, it sounds like there wasn’t that much intimacy or connection before the political discussion. This isn’t to say that what it was isn’t enough (only you can determine that), but it does make me curious about whether you are grieving what this relationship is not.
When I work with clients who are navigating tension in familial relationships, often our work leads to processing grief and acceptance. For you, this may look like grieving a sibling you lost already and grieving the sibling relationship you don’t have with your brother. It means exploring the brother you have versus the brother you want. This work is not easy nor is it fast. A therapist or professional can help you process accepting who your brother is - and who he is not.
Even more, you want to be honest with yourself about your relationship with your brother. What is the dynamic, and how has it been impacting you? You mention that he made a personal comment that was “insulting,” and yet I don’t sense that he has taken accountability for hurting you. So, what needs do you have in the relationship that you could explore communicating - or have to accept won’t be met? What are you motivated by when it comes to repairing the relationship? Maybe it’s that you don’t want to be estranged from your only sibling, or maybe it’s a hope that things can be different. Whatever it is, be completely, radically honest with yourself.
With that said, you don’t know what you don’t know, so have a conversation with your brother to remove any question of where he stands regarding your relationship. This may be sending an email or a text directly and only to him. You may say something like, “I feel as though things are a bit off since our last chat. I’d love to talk about ways we can reconnect. Is that something you’d be up for?” Or, “I’ve been thinking about you. I don’t like how we left things and I’d love to reconnect and find a way to maintain our relationship. If you’re open to it, let me know and we can find a time to talk.” Your brother may choose not to have a relationship - or any communication - with you because of your political differences. Staying in contact with your brother may mean agreeing on how you handle these issues in the future, or it may simply mean respecting your brother’s boundaries even though it’s hurtful to you.
All you can do is explicitly share how you feel about him and the relationship while also asking for what you want and need. The rest is up to him … which brings us full circle. You can be open and honest, and yet, you still may not get what it is you are hoping for in return. You want to find ways to accept and grieve what you may not get while also taking care of yourself through nurturing other forms of connection and community.