Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My husband has just one sibling, an older brother, I’ll call him “Pete.” Pete lives out of state and is a partner in a fairly successful construction company in the Pacific Northwest. His summers are very busy, full of long days with little time off. He’s a hard worker, I’ll give him that. But you know the saying, work hard, play hard? That’s Pete to a T.
For a decade now, Pete has headed up to Alaska in late September after his busy season ends to “let off steam.” This has become a much-loved annual tradition for Pete and my husband. For me, it’s an annual headache.
Pete is a gregarious guy, a confirmed bachelor, and not the easiest houseguest. Our typically quiet, orderly home is loud, messy and chaotic the moment Pete arrives. He usually stays for more than a week, during which he and my husband go out every night and get roaring drunk and stay out until the wee hours. While my husband also takes time off during this visit, I don’t, so when they come stumbling home making noise after midnight, I’m always woken up and irritated.
I’ve suggested that Pete get a hotel room and my husband won’t hear of it. My husband likes to remind me that when we were young and getting established, Pete often sent money, no strings attached, and we’re indebted to his generosity. Personally, I think this is all in my husband’s head: Pete is a lot of things, and he’s also unfailingly generous, and I don’t think he ever expected anything in return for this help.
I’m also irritated that my husband always uses vacation time for Pete’s visit. He doesn’t have a lot of time off to begin with, and the fact that we have struggled to prioritize traveling together has long been a point of contention in our marriage.
As his annual visit is nearing, I’m anxious and hoping you have ideas how I could manage this or maybe get the guys to do things differently this year where my home life isn’t so interrupted. Thoughts? Thank you!
Wanda says:
For Pete’s sake! Sorry, I had to, or Wayne would have surely opened with that pun. But really, for Pete’s sake, let’s take a step back and look rationally at this situation. Because Pete seems like a good guy, who’s admirably intentional about maintaining a close connection with his sole sibling and has overall had a positive imprint on your marriage with his earnest generosity.
While his annual visit may be inconvenient or annoying, you’re the odd one out: Pete, your husband’s beloved brother and buddy, clearly loves this annual tradition, and your husband does too. Safe to say there’s not much you can do right now to dramatically alter the annual sibling invasion or the subsequent bro vibes that fuel their playing and partying.
What you can control: yourself. Your husband is taking time off. Why don’t you? Take a staycation in a hotel. Check out the Girdwood Nordic spa with some pals. Or go big and buy a plane ticket and enjoy a long weekend in Seattle or Portland. You don’t have to go far to have fun or achieve the serenity you crave.
Bottom line: your husband has one brother, and there’s just one week a year when they get to spend time together. Family is family, and in the grand scheme of a marriage, and a calendar year one week isn’t that much to ask.
Wayne says:
Well played, Wanda. I’ll show some rare restraint and not re-Pete your perfectly played pun. But I will echo your sentiment towards this brotherly love story: Let the boys play! And let me tackle some deeper issues to our writer’s annoyance about her husband’s annual rager with his rowdy (and seemingly really cool) brother.
Are you upset about Pete and your husband having fun or that your husband is having a hoot with someone who isn’t you? Don’t funnel greater relationship frustration into fuming about your husband’s partying with Pete.
You noted a struggle to prioritize travel. What’s the hangup? Why isn’t quality time and adventuring a priority? It can’t just be your husband’s PTO. This is simple, foundational relationship stuff: doing things together and bonding, breaking up the routine and getting away from it all, you two against the world, etc. You should be aligned on this, so why is it so hard?
Speaking of relationship cornerstones, examine and improve your communication. I’m not putting this all on you — you both need to put your relationship and partnership first, starting with talking about it all and being on the same page about what you need and expect from one another. From taking vacations to letting you have a good night’s sleep, on a work night and every damn night. That’s a respect thing that your husband must do better about, starting with Pete’s upcoming visit. The fact that this is even happening illustrates some scary holes in your communication and partnership.
Don’t wait until Pete’s arrival or when you’re upset to talk to your husband. Start now, get him engaged, too, and move forward as a team. If you can’t break through, get help from a professional.