Dear Annie: After reading the story and response to “Poor Personal Habits” a while back about a father-in-law who makes constant noise and picks his ears and nose at the dinner table and in public, I am compelled to ask for your advice.
I am 62, happily married and an avid hiker. While on an adventure, I met another hiker who is 28 years old and a delight to be around. Finding a compatible hiking friend is quite the accomplishment, and we are strictly friends. He lives in Germany and comes to the U.S. for hiking. I appreciate this friendship and want to find a way to overcome one single personal habit he has -- please help!
Here is the issue. When stressed, he picks his nose and eats the contents. Not just a little bit but really digs in. This is so gross and makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to touch anything he has been in contact with and that’s an issue because hikers share gear.
Please expand on the thoughts you shared with “Poor Personal Habits.”
-- How to Handle the Pickers
Dear How to Handle: These situations are always best addressed gently but directly. When you two have a moment alone, let your new friend know you’ve noticed his picking and that it makes you uncomfortable, stressing the issue of hygiene especially. What he does by himself is his business, but while you are hiking together, ask that he try to refrain from doing it. If you don’t already, start bringing tissues and hand sanitizer in your pack. It might take some time for him to start breaking this habit, but with this candid conversation and your support, he might feel more compelled to do so.
Dear Annie: I am an autistic person who grew up in a very toxic situation. I finally got the courage to leave that life behind me several years ago, but I struggle with guilt. I know I did what’s best for myself and my family, but how do I let it go? I just want to move on and be healthy.
-- Heartsick
Dear Heartsick: I’ve gotten many letters over the years from readers who’ve felt the same guilt you do for leaving a situation that didn’t serve them. Remember that you made the choice you did because you were prioritizing yourself and your peace, something that is incredibly hard to do but essential. You are very brave.
Finding a therapist who has experience with trauma and who has worked with autistic patients before is a good place to start. Be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. Healing is a journey.