Dear Annie: I’m a 58-year-old grandmother to two grandchildren: a 7-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. I’ve been their primary caregiver (besides their parents) since they were born. I still play a significant role in their lives, visiting often on weekends and staying for a couple of nights at a time since I live an hour away.
Here’s where my guilt comes in. I enjoy staying home more than they like me to. My grandson calls crying a couple of times a week, and my daughter often texts on weekends begging me to come over. While I love my family dearly, the visits are overwhelming. They have several animals, and I end up cooking and cleaning the entire time I’m there. It feels nonstop, and I don’t get to enjoy my time with them.
I’ve tried talking to my daughter about it, but she doesn’t seem to understand. I think she’s a narcissist (a whole ‘nother issue), which complicates things further. How can I ease my guilty feelings?
-- Grandma’s Guilt
Dear Grandma’s Guilt: By pretending not to understand, your daughter can act like a child with her own children and make you feel guilty for not parenting them. You need to keep talking to her about this. As for the grandchildren, growing up with a narcissistic parent is incredibly difficult for them. Could it be that your grandson’s crying phone calls are really a cry for help? Your first responsibility is to make sure your grandkids are growing up in a loving, healthy environment. If you suspect otherwise, it is important to tell your daughter that if she doesn’t make changes, you would consider alerting the authorities.
Safety issues aside, continue your visits but with some firm boundaries in place. For example, you could tell your daughter that you will watch the kids for the weekend provided someone else takes care of the animals. Additionally, you could offer to have your grandkids over to your house, where you have better control over the environment.
Dear Annie: I argued via text message with my best friend’s husband. After what was a very insignificant incident, I moved on. It wasn’t anything that serious. However, afterward, he was still mad at me and told that to my best friend.
My best friend and her husband recently moved to a new home, and she keeps inviting me out to see their house. How can I politely tell her that I don’t want to go because of her husband?
-- Uncomfortable Friend
Dear Uncomfortable: Be sensitive but honest with her -- she’s your best friend after all. Let her know that you’re still feeling a little awkward after your disagreement with her husband but that you appreciate the invites and hope she understands. With a little time and space, I’m sure the uneasiness you feel will die down. In lieu of a physical visit, a houseplant or bouquet of flowers would be a thoughtful housewarming gift and gesture toward them both.