Dear Annie: I am writing because I am not sure if I am being “prudish” or “straitlaced.”
I will give you a little background. I am 63 years old; my husband is almost 70. We have been married 12 years, together 14. His first wife passed away, and I am divorced (I had been divorced for 19 years when I met him). He absolutely swept me off my feet. He made me feel like the only woman in the world. He had been a widower for three years when we met; we dated for two years and then married. He is a very good man in so many ways and has worked hard to be a wonderful father to his children.
He has two grown daughters, 45 and 50. My two daughters from my first marriage are 45 and 36. So they were all adults when we married.
Along the way, there have been some issues. Here is where I am feeling uncomfortable: the interactions between him and one of his daughters. Once, during a holiday gathering, the daughter was laying over on her dad, and then she lays down and puts her head in his lap. OK, a little uncomfortable, but I tried not to think too much about it. Then, at her 40th birthday party, she is out dancing by herself and waves her dad out to dance with her. No big deal, but then she turns around and starts “twerking” very closely to him. He is laughing and going along with it. As I am watching, I hear a couple of people behind me say this is getting uncomfortable, and then I hear her boyfriend say he is starting to feel jealous. I myself am uncomfortable and embarrassed.
I attempt to talk to my husband about this and tell him the comments. His only response was, “I was having a good time with my daughter on her birthday.” Fast-forward to his oldest daughter’s 50th birthday -- another dance with his youngest daughter. Just the two of them dancing uncomfortably close and suggestively. Again, he laughs and goes along with it. When I bring this up to him, he gives the same response: “I am just having a good time with my family.”
Is this appropriate? Am I a stick in the mud? I was raised in a Christian home; does that make me a prude about this? I feel so uncomfortable and confused. Therapy or marriage counseling is out of the question for him. Please help with any advice.
-- The Prude
Dear Prude: Their behavior is certainly not the norm, so you’re by no means a prude, but remember everybody’s family relationships are different. What seems normal to some might seem incredibly odd to another. It sounds like both your husband and his daughter view their dancing and cuddling as lighthearted and wholesome -- so if they view it this way, why turn it into something it’s not?
With this understanding in mind, have a conversation with your husband explaining that certain behaviors make you feel excluded and uneasy. Then you can land on a compromise that works for you both.