DEAR MISS MANNERS: Fifty years ago, an old love and I parted ways. We haven’t remained in touch, but we have been generally aware of our separate paths.
When my friend married, I was a part of that celebration, and I sincerely wished her and her spouse well. Now, the news has been passed to me that she is battling a terminal illness.
After we parted, she told me that she had burned my old letters, though not with rancor. I still have all the letters that she wrote to me, and I would now like to return them: She has children, and her letters recorded many remarkable parts of her life.
How might I proceed?
GENTLE READER: Quick -- ask! Miss Manners reminds you that people with terminal illnesses are nevertheless alive and have opinions.
That your friend burned your letters, not in anger but just to toss the past, suggests that she might not like to have her children poring over her ancient romances. You may consider it harmless history, but she might consider it embarrassing.
Or not. But surely she should make the decision.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year, my family spends a week at the beach with my in-laws. They pay for the beach house, which is something we can’t afford and for which I am always properly grateful. At the in-laws’ suggestion, my son and daughter each bring a friend on these trips.
Last year, they rented a house with only enough bedrooms for two of the four children to have a room. My son and his friend shared a room, and my daughter and her friend had to sleep in the hallway. It was no big deal; there’s not much difference in their ages, and there’s no reason why one would have more or less of a need for privacy.
My mother-in-law rented the same house for this year’s trip, and I assumed that my son would sleep in the hallway this time. However, she has announced her intention to assign him the bedroom again.
She has a rather Neanderthal habit of showing preference for males, treating the females in the family as second-class citizens. She will give my son an expensive skateboard for his birthday, for example, and then give my daughter a coloring book. It’s partly a generational thing. This is a woman who still calls flight attendants “stewardesses” and uses several other outdated terms.
Do I have any right to voice an opinion in this? On the one hand, she’s the host; on the other hand, it hurts my daughter’s feelings. The ongoing pattern of favoritism even makes my son uncomfortable at times.
GENTLE READER: No, you do not have the authority to reassign rooms in someone else’s house. Nor to reeducate your mother-in-law, however badly she needs this.
But you do have the authority to educate your children -- in this case, by showing your son how to act on his feelings of discomfort.
He could ask his grandmother, “Would it be all right if I switched with Lily? She was in the hall last summer, and it doesn’t seem fair. Ethan and I would be happy to sleep in the hall.”