Wanda and Wayne:
I met someone through friends a month ago and we went on a series of increasingly interesting dates. We have a lot in common, including great chemistry, conversation and dogs — we each have middle-aged pups who we love and try to include in everything in our respective busy and active lives.
So naturally, the dogs had to meet. We set up a weekend hike, to be followed by dinner at her place. I realized pretty quickly her dog is pretty out of control and she doesn’t seem to care. Her dog is never leashed and isn’t exactly voice trained or obedient. When her dog sees other dogs, like mine when we met in the trailhead parking lot, she jogs at them curiously and even rambunctiously. I don’t like that — my almost-always leashed and very obedient on-or-off leash dog definitely didn’t like that. After some sniffing they got along fine. Over the course of the hike, though, very few people were cool with her dog and her attitude about the encounters — “She’s sweet!” “Don’t worry about her!” Etc. It’s worrisome, annoying and exhausting to me, and I was embarrassed to be part of it. We still had dinner at her place, and the dogs got along fine but I was so disappointed about her attitude about having a loose dog that I dreaded the after-dinner dog walk and honestly just wanted to go home — though I did stay the night.
I put a lot of time and energy into training my dog, following the Muni’s leash law, and watching out for my pup when she does run free on hikes and any other time really. It’s always bothered me when I see unleashed dogs outside of a dog park. Usually nothing major comes of it as my dog follows my lead and ignores other dogs, but you just never know so I’m instantly on edge. I’ve seen fights. The owners are always worse. When I say something about getting control or leashing their dogs, they usually get defensive and turn into indignant jerks. I guess that’s why their dogs act like jerks. My date doesn’t get mean — she’s totally blasé about the loose dog thing — and she didn’t take any ownership of being in the wrong after a handful of people got upset when her dog ran up to theirs and didn’t listen to her. No fights, nothing bad, but it stressed me, most of the other dogs and their owners out.
Well, I’m bummed — overall, this woman is great, sexy, smart and funny, and our month of dating and communicating was getting better. I was excited about a future that included adventures with our dogs. Now I feel like I don’t want to be anywhere near them outside of her fenced yard. I never thought I’d be running into a deal-breaker like this, but here we are. I definitely don’t think she or her dog will welcome a change as extreme as what I’m comfortable with. Please tell me I’m wrong.
Wanda says:
Before you roll over on this relationship, sit. Stay. Don’t speak. Just listen up like a good obedient boy. You’ve met a fun, exciting, attractive woman, who up until now has checked all your boxes and has had you sincerely and excitedly anticipating future possibilities. But you want to bail because … her dog misbehaves?
I get it: Her dismissive and enabling behavior as a Dog Mom is off-putting and annoying. Maybe she’s equally irritated at your uptight rule-following and by-the-books dog-rearing. Have you bothered to ask?
Like parenting, or financial planning, or any other big life issue where decisions and strategies must be weighed, there isn’t a right or wrong way to care for a dog if the dog is safe, nonviolent and loved. There are just different ways.
If this is such a non-negotiable for you, sure, end it. But in a world where partners can cheat, lie, steal, scam, ghost or do any other number of terrible heart-breaking things, you’re ready to walk because of … an unleashed dog? Maybe it’s time to re-examine your own priorities and values.
Wayne says:
Doggone it! There’s always something, right?
As a devoted and semi-strict Dog Dad who walks, runs and hikes the local trails with his leashed and harnessed pups, I’m practically having an anxiety attack reading your note. Loose dogs and their loose cannon owners aren’t just annoying, they’re dangerous. Sure, most encounters are harmless. But I’ve seen loose dogs attack other dogs and people, kill ptarmigan and squirrels, harass moose and cats, chase after and run in front of cars, bikes and skateboarders, and pretty much make entire neighborhoods and trail systems their bathrooms. We’re trying to have a society here, people.
So yeah, I get it. And I’d totally understand if you don’t roll over on this sticking point. But I’m also with Wanda — like finding the perfect pup, meeting a compatible partner with long-term potential is rare. So maybe approach this as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, practice your communication and maybe even find some compromise. Talk about it on your next dog-less date, with an open mind, without blame or judgment, and see where it goes. Share your feelings and listen to hers. You’ll never know where one another’s head is really at on doggie discipline unless you discuss it. So talk it out before you decide whether to stay or run away.
[Wayne and Wanda: How honest is too honest in a budding romance?]
[Asking Eric: My husband’s road rage is ruining our marriage]