Dear Eric: My daughter is dating a young man whose parents, at one point, belonged to some religious group that believed in having lots of children – so they had 12. Sam is right in the middle. As far as I can tell, the kids were expected to more or less raise themselves, and all were homeschooled.
Sam has a learning disability, which his parents ignored, and he has flunked out of college twice. He has lots of intelligence but not the tools to use it. Life has taught him that he is on his own and that few people can be trusted. He is not on good terms with his parents. But he loves my daughter, which counts for something with me.
He also dislikes me and our family because he learned that I was encouraging my daughter to get to know a guy who was interested in her who had a Ph.D. The Ph.D turned out to be a real jerk, but Sam now bears a grudge against me for being “elitist.” (Shame on me for thinking a Ph.D has better job prospects than a high school grad.)
Sam currently works in a bar with hopes of learning how to be a bartender. His plan for the future is to marry my daughter and make a go of being a carpenter. I find myself not being crazy about the guy.
Are we elitist for wanting our daughter to find a partner who has a decent relationship with his family and some kind of viable career path?
– Protective Parent
Dear Parent: You refuse to accept Sam for who he is, so it doesn’t take an educated guess to see why the foundation of your relationship with him is rotten. This not only negatively impacts your connection with him but has the potential to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.
Could Sam, conceivably, make more money with a Ph.D? Sure, in theory, but which industry? How long will it take? He could also make more money as surgeon general or as an astronaut or a TikTok star. In theory.
Moreover, the actual person with a Ph.D whom you encouraged your daughter to drop Sam for was a jerk. So, what are we doing here? You’ve created a series of what-ifs that are keeping you from seeing what-is.
Let’s drill down on what is:
Should he choose to pursue it, carpentry is a viable career path. Per the Bureau of Labor and Statistics, there are, on average, about 79,500 new carpentry openings per year and, as an apprenticeship-based field, it doesn’t have many barriers to entry.
More importantly, Sam loves your daughter; your daughter has chosen Sam. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his family, but do you expect him to be on great terms with people who neglected him? Don’t blame him for where he comes from. See him for what he’s overcome and who he is trying to become.
If you want Sam to like your family, you need to make some amends. Acknowledge that you tried to undercut him and that it was wrong. If you’re worried about his career prospects, what can you do to help him in his pursuits?
You can salvage this, but continuing to make Sam feel bad about himself because of things that are beyond his control will most likely backfire. Whereas, if you make this right and continue to build a healthy relationship with him, you may get a friend and family rate on future carpentry needs. With the price of lumber what it is, that’s nothing to sneeze at!
Dear Eric: My daughter married a man who had two young children in a 50/50 custody relationship between him and his ex, their mother. My daughter was “in the role” of mother for half of their lives, but is identified by her first name only, never as “mom”. My dilemma is: Do I send a Happy Mother’s Day card to my daughter, or would that be out of line?
– Card Carrying
Dear Card: The mad geniuses who stock the greeting card aisle seem to have thought through every permutation of human relationships. (“Happy Flag Day to My Favorite Barista!” “My Condolences for the Death of the Orchid You Bought in a Grocery Store”.) Consider picking up one of the cards specifically addressed to stepmoms next Mother’s Day.
This question is also an opportunity for you to have an illuminating conversation with your daughter. Try asking something like “How does Mother’s Day feel to you? Do the kids reach out? Is there a way you wish it was different? Are there things about it that you’re surprised you enjoy?”
Her insights into her position may surprise you and I’m sure she’d be grateful to get your perspective on recognizing motherhood.