DEAR MISS MANNERS: An older relative is one of those totally honest sorts, and prides herself on both her wisdom and her willingness to speak her mind in any situation. She keeps lists of everything she dislikes about others, everything she believes they do wrong, etc., and recites those lists, often publicly.
She likes to be the center of attention, and that is certainly part of the problem, but I really believe that in her misguided heart, she thinks she is improving others and passing on pearls of wisdom. Of course, those of us who are frequent targets of her critiques feel insulted, bullied and humiliated.
How does one best respond to such verbal assaults? Many of us are truly at the end of our patience, and we would be so grateful to know how to politely head off the next diatribe about one more thing she can’t stand about us!
I am tempted to ask her if she would like to hear my list of all the things I can’t stand about her, but suspect that putting her on the defensive would backfire badly.
GENTLE READER: No, you don’t want to do that. You don’t like insult-slinging -- remember?
Suppose, instead, you said, “Oh, thank you, Auntie dear, for telling me. I will try to improve.”
And suppose each and every one of you repeats that exact same response to every insult. Miss Manners would be amused to see how long your relative can keep it up under that barrage.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a theater professional. My job involves giving honest (but hopefully never brutal) critiques of actors during the rehearsal process. My reputation for results and professionalism is very valuable to me -- monetarily, professionally and personally.
Even though I try to avoid it, I am frequently introduced to an actor’s family members after performances. My reserve of small talk with actors’ families is pitifully small, unless the actor hits their role out of the park -- which, I am glad to report, happens frequently. In that case, I can gush over them honestly and enthusiastically.
But can you suggest some things that I can say to actors’ families when the actor hasn’t excelled in their performance?
I cannot be heard endorsing a subpar performance, but I feel like my chosen line for the family of an underperformer -- “How do you feel, seeing him/her up there?” -- falls a bit flat and leaves me without a polite follow-up.
GENTLE READER: Ordinarily, Miss Manners would be explaining how to tell when those who ask for criticism actually want it, and when it is only compliments that are being solicited (almost always).
But you are quite right that you cannot deliver casual niceties, because they will be taken -- and probably widely quoted -- as your professional judgment.
Miss Manners was in a similar position in a previous life, when she was a drama critic. Her solution was to say enthusiastically to those relatives, “You must be very proud.” It worked every time.