Dear Annie: In a couple of weeks, I will attend my dad’s wedding. He is 77 years old and this is his fourth wedding. That isn’t the biggest issue, though. My sister and I (both in our 50s) were surprised to find out about five months ago that his fiancee is none other than the woman he had an affair with 30 years ago, while married to our mom. While my mom never had an affair, she had her own issues, so they divorced a couple of years after that. Forgiving my dad took a lot for all of us, but we moved on.
A few weeks after we found out, my sister, brother-in-law, husband and I all had a conference call with my dad to discuss our reservations. None of us came right out and asked, “Is this the same woman?” because we were still too in shock and didn’t want to point-blank confront my dad. We did discuss our concerns about the upcoming nuptials (“Yes, you’ve known her for 30 years, but isn’t this a little sudden after your last relationship? I thought you said you had realized you weren’t meant to be with anyone and wanted to stay single? What about your assets? Etc.”).
My husband, who has credentials as a minister, was asked to perform the ceremony. He originally agreed but, because of his knowledge of the situation and his personal ethics, became increasingly uncomfortable with the solemnization of this relationship and wrote to my dad to express that. My husband pointed out that he was marrying the woman with whom he had an affair, and while we had forgiven him, asking us to “celebrate” this union with them was uncomfortable for all of us. My dad is now upset (understandably so) and thinks we have fed my husband misinformation and are all attacking him. I assure you, we have not. He has not denied that this is the same woman, but he has not cleared the air either.
We were not uninvited, but my husband was released of his officiant responsibility, and we are going to the wedding. I told my sister that when we were younger and made stupid decisions, our parents supported us, even when they didn’t agree, so I am going to support my dad. My sister is also going, as is my husband to support me, but I am worried things will get out of hand.
None of us are comfortable with the whole thing. Our kids are attending also (mine, 31, 29 and 25 years old, and my sister’s son, 23), but they are less involved in the drama and want to be present (maybe to watch if things get dramatic?). The oldest and youngest boys are groomsmen, but the girls are only observing.
All of us are wary. My son, who is also catering the wedding as a chef, was even worried he was taking sides in the matter. We assured him he was free to participate as he felt comfortable. The wedding is fast approaching. Any advice on how to conduct ourselves?
-- Stepdaughter, Yet Again!
Dear Stepdaughter: You have every right to feel surprised and hesitant to welcome this woman, who potentially played a role in ending your parents’ marriage, into your family. Despite the risks, your dad seems set in his choice to pursue a future with her, and if having a relationship with your father is important to you, which it seems very clear that it is, you will have to make peace with that. But that doesn’t have to happen overnight -- or even by the wedding day.
You’ve done the right thing, sharing the concerns you have with your dad. The rest is in his hands. You said it best yourself: Participate as you feel comfortable and take things at whatever pace feels right for each of you. It won’t be easy, but with time, grace and patience, this new dynamic will hopefully grow into something better than you ever expected.