Wanda and Wayne:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about eight months, and the relationship has been fulfilling, exciting and so much fun. Now we’ve hit a bump. About a month ago, she rejoined her summer coed softball team, which includes some of her oldest and closest friends — and her ex from her most serious past relationship. She barely mentioned him until the team started practicing. One night she just dumped it all on me: They dated off and on for almost three years, mostly out of convenience since they hung out all the time, but she knew it was never going to grow what she wanted long-term. I’ve seen him in action; he’s definitely a character who is only serious about softball, drinking, hugging everyone and talking trash.
The majority of her team has played together forever and are clearly great friends. I’ve also learned quickly that they’re also a pretty incestuous group who have either dated or slept with one another or are still dating/married now. So it’s really weird for me to watch them chest bump and hug and slap asses and drink together during games a couple nights a week and then have to hang out with them every other weekend at tournaments or after games. The summer is flying by, and she’s spending more time with her team (and ex) than me. If I don’t go to the games, I might not see her for a few days/nights. I met some of these friends prior to the season and they all downplayed or didn’t even mention the team. I had no idea it would be such a time suck and feel like she concealed this.
Before this, physical activity was something we enjoyed together. We’d go to the gym and hike, and ski all winter. It’s frustrating that she’s suddenly so immersed in this overly consuming softball team and her ex and all of the group’s past and present drama. It’s a side I’ve never seen or expected.
I know rationally that this will all be over at the end of summer. I feel weird watching her games but worse when I don’t go and can only imagine what’s going on. I don’t think she’ll cheat, but I don’t trust her ex and I don’t like the whole drinking and drama environment this team creates.
Any advice on keeping my mind and my relationship through a softball season?
Wanda says:
The softball is not your problem: It’s the ex. Pretend he’s not on the team. Are you still feeling resentful of her time away? Consumed by jealousy and dark thoughts? Worried about what’s going on when you aren’t watching?
Here’s what’s going on, whether you’re watching or not: A young and fun group with deep history, inside jokes and relaxed comfort with one another are spending fun summer nights doing something that brings them lighthearted joy. And you’re the sad sack sulking in the bleachers who is analyzing every chest-bump and butt slap for hidden innuendo.
Do you really want to be that guy? Didn’t think so! You said yourself that your relationship has so far been defined by fun and excitement. There’s nothing fun or exciting about a partner who’s sneering at everything through jealous goggles. So change your lenses and try and embrace a new outlook.
Your girlfriend would be on this team with or without the ex. She isn’t playing to spend time with him. She isn’t hiding anything. Not only are their interactions in plain sight, you’ve also been invited to observe and socialize. It’s the best way she could think to include you in the hours she devotes to this long-standing tradition that is clearly so important to her. Rather than resenting her, you should be thanking her for trying to include you.
Wayne says:
The view from the field is always better than the view from the bench. Or so I’ve heard — never been benched. And technically, you haven’t been benched, either, because you aren’t even on this roster. But you are in the star player’s entourage. So let’s keep things in perspective here: You’re still her big slugger even though you don’t have the hand-eye coordination or epic, melodramatic past to be included on this team.
This is an hour or two a week of her having fun with old friends, playing ball, crushing White Claws, slapping butts and blowing off steam from the stress and drama of adult life. Let her, and let them, have it. If you want to be a part of it, pack a cooler, sit on the bleachers and cheer for your sweet all-star, and stay clear of the drama. That sounds like a nice way to spend a summer evening, honestly, especially when your sweetie gives you a big, dirty, sweaty hug after the game. If you can’t stomach that, let her play and go do whatever it is you enjoy with yourself or your friends for a few hours.
You’re at a point in a new relationship — and even at eight months, it’s still new — where the honeymoon phase is over and you’re getting to the nitty-gritty of daily life, communication, learning more about each other’s pasts, your quirks, your annoyances and a lot of the other not-so-awesome stuff that isn’t part of the fast-and-fun first six months. So a little time apart here and there can be a good thing, allowing you to come together full and happy at the end of a night or a weekend apart.
Here’s the game summary: If you’re confident in yourself, in her, and in this relationship, you’ll be just fine. If you’re insecure or questioning her, her ex or her involvement in these friendships and this team that she’s invested in, you’re likely to get ejected. What’s it going to be?
[Dear Annie: My boyfriend spends too much time with his friends and not enough with me]
[Ask Sahaj: My friend’s new girlfriend is jealous and sent me abusive messages]
[Here’s how you can improve your health by stopping negativity and embracing optimism]