Dear Annie: My brother, “David,” has been struggling with alcohol for years, and it’s starting to take a toll on our family. Recently, he lost his job and moved back in with our parents, who are both retired and not in the best health. They feel obligated to help him, but it’s causing a lot of stress and financial strain.
I want to support David, but I also worry about our parents’ well-being. Whenever I try to talk to him about getting help or finding a job, he becomes defensive and angry. My parents don’t want to push him too hard because they’re afraid of making things worse.
How can I encourage David to seek help without causing more conflict? Is there a way to support my parents while also addressing the impact his behavior is having on the family? I’m not sure how to get through to him.
-- Worried Sister in Seattle
Dear Worried: Start by having a conversation with David; it’s important that he knows you love and support him but that you are also worried about him. Suggest professional resources, like counseling or support groups, and offer to help him find these services.
It’s also crucial to support your parents. Encourage them to set boundaries to protect their well-being. You might suggest they attend support groups for families dealing with addiction, such as Al-Anon, where they can find guidance and support.
Remember, change takes time, and it’s important to take care of yourself, too.
Dear Annie: My sister passed away during the summer of 2023. She didn’t have a will. She was married but specifically stated to me and her husband that she wanted some of her material belongings to be given to me. She also said that she wanted her annuity to be given to me, probably about $300,000. Her husband was aware of her wishes and even repeated her wishes to me.
Just a few weeks after my sister passed, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. To make a long story short, my husband and I helped my brother-in-law out with pet sitting, cooking, cleaning, visiting him at the hospital, whatever he needed. We knew his family wasn’t going to help and he had no one else. This was over the course of eight months. We were able and willing to assist him, even though we both worked and he lived two hours away.
I feel as if he’s holding my sister’s belongings and money, and has no intention of passing them to us. I miss my sister and would rather be able to grieve “normally,” but I have feelings of anger, disappointment and mistrust toward my BIL now. I haven’t asked him for anything of my sister’s. I’m holding her in my heart and I’m grateful for the years we had together. It’s the principle of him not respecting her wishes and doing what she wanted.
Should I ask him why he’s waiting? How should I proceed?
-- Confused in PA
Dear Confused: I’m so sorry for your loss. You face a very delicate situation with respect to your brother-in-law, but it’s still important to address your sister’s wishes.
Gently bring up the topic with your BIL, expressing your understanding of his health challenges as well as your need for closure. You might say, “I’ve been thinking about my sister’s wishes regarding her belongings and annuity. Can we discuss how to honor them?” If he’s resistant, consider consulting an attorney to understand your legal options. Balancing compassion for his situation with your sister’s intentions is key. You deserve to properly grieve and honor your sister’s memory.