Dear Annie: Very late in my life, I realized I was raised and influenced in a narcissistic family. My late father was a (mostly angry) narcissist, and my late mother was a patient, long-suffering enabler. My father had a governmental position where he was “in charge.” At home, he was also large and in charge, which suited his narcissism.
After my mother passed and as our father aged, I grew closer to him in spite of our family history. Basically, I felt sorry for him. He alienated himself from his other adult children due to real and perceived issues. During the last few years of his life, my husband and I visited him weekly and helped when we could. Although our visits were initially based on sorrow for his aloneness, we grew to enjoy his company and had a better understanding of him in his elderly years. In my heart I felt we gave him the gift of grace.
While this was happening, my siblings continued criticizing him, justly and unjustly, and basically severed ties. I encouraged them to reach out and would share things with them via text that I thought they may want to know from our visits (medical concerns, funny stories, antidotes, etc.) Our father was in his 90s and clearly nearing the end of his life. I did not want my siblings to have any regrets.
Well, our father died and everything hit the fan afterward! The whole narcissistic house of cards fell. It was like a huge shift among the siblings. The golden child (youngest) was the executor and used my dad’s large estate to secure loyalty among the others. A narcissist sister drew extremely close to the golden child, and together they closed ranks. The “flying monkeys” simply went along with things. And me -- “the scapegoat” -- became the victim of the golden child’s and narcissist sister’s lies, gaslighting, shunning, etc.
Prior to this, I didn’t know anything about narcissism. Family members jokingly (?) had called my father a narcissist. In hindsight, I think that the more we helped Dad, the more they resented me/us. The crazy thing is that the very characteristics they hated in our father are manifested in their lives.
Never in a million years would I have predicted the terrible situation after his death. Have you heard of this happening before? And how do I proceed? They have no contact with me or my husband. We are in our 70s and 80s.
Do you think we are right to forgive?
-- Narcissistic Family
Dear Narcissistic Family: Yes, I think you made the right decision to forgive. While it sounds like your father was very far from perfect, you were able to see the good in him and enjoy the time that you had with him. If your siblings criticize you, just remember that they might be projecting their own narcissistic feelings onto you.