Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I need some tips for navigating a bump in my relationship. My girlfriend is always late. When we first started dating, I let it slide. It was early days and everything was going so well, I didn’t want to seem nitpicky. She’s fun, adventurous, kind, and dependable — eventually, anyway. She always follows through and shows up, it’s just on tape delay.
It doesn’t seem to make a difference if it’s a brunch date, or dinner reservations, whether it’s just me or other people are involved. It doesn’t matter if it’s work or personal. She is always late. And I’m not talking like a minute late — it’s usually more like 15-20 minutes.
I was raised that being on time is a matter of respect. I am a big fan of schedules and am usually early when I’m expected to be somewhere. As an example, if I’m running behind, I’ll skip getting coffee so I’m on time for a meeting. She will get coffee and show up late because she “needs” coffee. So some of this is just minorly selfish behavior and poor time management. She insists it isn’t intentional — she just is “bad at knowing how long things will take.” She also did a year in Hawaii in college and claims she runs on “island time.”
To be clear, she isn’t lazy. She works hard, has a ton of energy, and like I said, she always arrives as promised and does what she says — she just does it late. And she seems to think this is something she can’t fix. Can that be true? This isn’t a deal-breaker but it is something that annoys me pretty much all of the time and I’d love to figure this out with her. Advice?
Wanda says:
People may run late because they’re easily distracted, challenged by time management, or are just generally poor at estimating how long tasks will take. A form of this is called optimism bias, meaning they have an unrealistically positive outlook on how long tasks will take and chronically underestimate what’s needed. And yes, cultural factors and the Western adherence to Outlook calendars and schedules can play a role if she’s more of a free spirit who more strongly associates with an unhurried and laid-back lifestyle.
But I’m with you: chronic tardiness is thoughtless and selfish when you’re in a relationship. Sure it isn’t a deal-breaker, but it’s annoying. It’s also reversible, at least partly. You may never turn her into a clock-watching queen of punctuality, but together you can absolutely make progress and reach a behavioral compromise that is only fair to your partnership. Explain to her it’s important to you that when it comes to the big stuff, like dinner reservations, it’s important to you that she makes an effort.
What does that effort look like? Well, she hasn’t had the best luck mastering time management on her own, so connect her with the tricks, tips, tools and technology that are here to help. It’s amazing what setting alarms can do to keep one on track — whether it’s a reminder to check a map app for real-time route info, or a reminder to walk out the door. She should set these alarms earlier than actually needed, so a built-in buffer gives her cover should she run slow. This structure might feel awkward and regimented to someone used to going with the flow, but if you explain to her that this is in support of your overall mutual happiness, hopefully, she’ll be game to try.
Wayne says:
Maybe she is trying as hard as she possibly can to be on time. Maybe what you call distraction is her actually being hyper-focused on whatever she is engaged with at that moment, which causes her to lose track of time. And maybe the stress she feels from you giving her a hard time about being late creates anxiety, causes her to freeze up, and — you guessed it — contributes to her being late.
I’m no psychologist, but I am a betting man. And I’d bet that your girlfriend has an undiagnosed case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or some associated disorder. Even if I’m wrong, one sure bet is that you have no idea what it is to live with a mind that operates like that.
For her, not being on time isn’t a matter of being disorganized, disrespectful or selfish. Whatever she has going on is the most important thing. Doesn’t matter if it’s her morning coffee, the job she’s thriving at, gathering with a group of friends at a party, or a date night with you — it has her undivided attention, and that’s pretty damn rare and special today when everyone else is distracted by devices.
You said it yourself: she always follows through and shows up. So why don’t you stop being selfish and appreciate having a reliable partner? Loosen up and try some empathy and understanding instead of ridicule and frustration. Accepting how she is wired and will change everything — you won’t freak out because she’s running late, she won’t freak out because you’re freaked out, and everything in life will suddenly go a lot smoother, even if it’s a few minutes later than planned. Good luck.