Q: I am a woman with a male friendship that’s quite close but with no romance and no desire for that type of relationship from either one of us. My friend recently started dating a woman who is admittedly jealous of our connection. She’s sent me a number of angry and somewhat abusive messages that are clearly intended to hurt my feelings.
My friend says I should just dismiss her communications as some misplaced jealousy that will eventually abate. I’m hurt that my friend won’t stand up for me, but because we’re not romantic I don’t want to demand anything regarding his relationship. For now, I’m distancing myself from the friendship but I’m sad and not sure what to do going forward.
- Hurt
A: You have two options: You can try to continue this conversation with your friend or choose not to. Either way, it doesn’t change how hurtful and disappointing it can feel that he isn’t protecting your friendship.
It’s unfortunate, but there are a lot of limiting beliefs around mixed gender platonic friendships. However, just because your friend’s girlfriend subscribes to those beliefs does not give her a pass to be mean or “abusive” toward you.
I talked to friendship educator and licensed therapist Blake Blankenbecler about your dilemma, and she shared the crux of the issue: “When your guy friend suggested you should dismiss the harmful messages from his girlfriend he was at the same time dismissing your feelings.” If you haven’t, you should explicitly address this by saying something like, “I know you think this will blow over, but I don’t appreciate being talked to in that way. It’s hurtful and inappropriate.” Just because your friend doesn’t think it’s a big deal doesn’t mean you should pretend it isn’t too. You don’t have to demand anything from him but you can share how it impacts you. As Blankenbecler says, “At the very least, it feels important that a friend cares about how his partner makes his friends feel regardless of gender.”
Is this the first time one of you have been in a relationship since becoming friends? Are you in a relationship, too? In all friendships, adding partners to the mix can change our friends’ availability and priorities. However, respect, kindness and care should never be compromised. Your friendship may need to recalibrate, and while it’s your prerogative to distance yourself, I wonder if it would be worth broaching a conversation about this with curiosity. This may sound like, “I worry about how this - or any future romantic relationships - may impact our friendship. Do you have any concerns about that?” Giving him a chance to share his feelings may clarify if you’re on the same page about your friendship.
It’s also your prerogative not to say anything - both to protect yourself and to not alienate a friend in a potentially isolating relationship. If the girlfriend is sending someone she barely knows abusive messages, how is she treating her date? You may even ask your friend something like, “I just wanted to check in with how you’re doing. I’m hurt that she sent me those messages, but I’m more concerned about your relationship. Are things okay?” It’s possible that since his girlfriend is acting this way, he may feel embarrassed or unsure how to navigate it himself and by focusing on how he’s doing, you may find an inroad to talking about their relationship.
You can’t change your friend’s disappointing reaction, but you can choose how you handle it and how you can protect yourself during this. And being there for your friend despite this disappointment doesn’t just make you the bigger person, it provides your friend a safe place to go should he need one.